{"id":99555,"date":"2018-11-18T16:41:52","date_gmt":"2018-11-18T22:41:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=99555"},"modified":"2026-03-13T08:23:41","modified_gmt":"2026-03-13T13:23:41","slug":"how-to-accept-your-partners-flaws","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/social\/dating\/how-to-accept-your-partners-flaws\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Accept Your Partner\u2019s Flaws"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Illustration<\/a>Once the heady chemicals of new love \u2014 which transform one\u2019s sweetheart into the very picture of human perfection \u2014 wear off, each partner discovers that no matter how compatible they are, there is a least one thing, and sometimes several, that each dislikes in the other. Each possesses some habit, behavior, or personality quirk that annoys, infuriates, and\/or disappoints the other person.  <\/p>\n

As the relationship goes on, the pair may remain very much in love, but their respective idiosyncrasies can become a source of perennial conflict. Each partner wants the other to change X behavior, and each partner, even if they try to make the requested change, frequently fails at doing so. And the conflict continues.<\/p>\n

Such failures can often cause one partner to feel great disappointment, and even contempt for the other. \u201cIf she really loved me,\u201d he thinks, \u201cshe would change.\u201d Yet changing a deeply ingrained behavior can be almost impossible; the disappointed party should ask how successfully he himself has been at changing one of his deeply set personality traits. Probably not very. Indeed, research shows that nearly 70% of marital conflicts are perpetual and unresolvable — they last a couple\u2019s whole life through.<\/p>\n

The only alternative to the typically fruitless hope of getting one\u2019s partner to change, is to simply accept that they\u2019re never going to. To accept their idiosyncrasies as a part of their, and your, life. Yet this can seem like its own quixotic quest; someone can desire to accept their significant other\u2019s flaws, and yet truly struggle to move this sense of acceptance from their head to their heart.<\/p>\n

Let me suggest a paradigm that I think is most helpful in making this mindset shift. Through it, you can come to not only accept your partner\u2019s \u201cflaws,\u201d but even appreciate them.<\/p>\n

We typically think of the things we love about our partner, and the things we dislike, as being sorted into two very separate categories. The reality, however, is that they\u2019re often inextricably linked. They\u2019re two sides of the same pole of energy \u2014 one a \u201clight\u201d side, the other a \u201cshadow\u201d side.<\/p>\n

A wife loves that her husband is a man\u2019s man, who\u2019s rugged and stoic and makes her feel safe, but she dislikes that he isn\u2019t more empathetic and emotionally expressive. The energy that fuels his very masculine side, however, is the same that inhibits his tenderness.<\/p>\n

A husband loves that his wife is artistic and creative, but he dislikes how flaky she is about keeping plans. The energy that gives her that more esoteric side, however, is the same one that makes her mind a little more spontaneous and scattered.<\/p>\n

The same energy that creates the side of someone that you love, is frequently also responsible for the side that drives you crazy. You thus shouldn\u2019t pine for an impossible scenario where you can retain that which you adore, and excise the part you do not; you can\u2019t pick up one end of the stick, without picking up the other! Once you recognize that someone\u2019s flaws are just a different manifestation of the same energy in them that you love, these faults become easier to accept.<\/p>\n

For example, Kate really struggles with being on time — she\u2019s perennially late for most everything. She likes the rush of cutting it close — of trying to beat the clock. I\u2019m someone who likes to be punctual, however, so this tendency of hers can bug me — especially when it comes to catching a flight! She wants to get to the airport without a minute to spare, while I\u2019m 100% what we affectionately call \u201cNervous Travel Dad<\/a>.\u201d Yet, I don\u2019t let Kate\u2019s lack of punctuality bother me too much, because I recognize that it\u2019s driven by the same excitement-seeking aspect of her personality that adds a great dash of fun and adventure to our lives, and which I love. I recognize they\u2019re just two sides of the same coin, and I treasure that coin.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, my struggle with depression<\/a> and having a melancholy, mercurial disposition can be difficult on Kate. It would be easier on our relationship if I was consistently in a good mood every day. But, Kate recognizes that without this serious streak in my personality, I wouldn\u2019t be the person she loves. She sees my melancholic and pessimistic disposition as just the other end of a pole that also makes me more conscientious and empathetic, and less flighty and shallow. And she thinks it\u2019s ultimately been good for AoM, setting a steady tone and keeping it from falling into the traps of effervescent, hype-driven promises, rah-rah platitudes, and goofy Instagram influencer posturing that so readily plague many \u201clifestyle brands.\u201d<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t to say that you must accept a person\u2019s flaws 100%. Sometimes they\u2019re not tied to anything really positive, or the negative effect a certain energy can have on the relationship can outweigh its positive impact.<\/p>\n

While it\u2019s generally unreasonable to expect anyone to fundamentally<\/em> change their essential personality traits — a task which is nearly impossible to do — you can reasonably expect your partner to mitigate their downsides a bit. To rub off their sharper edges.<\/p>\n

So for example, Kate really tries to be on time (or at least only a tiny bit late) for something that\u2019s important to me\/us. And I do my best to keep a leash on the black dog of my depression<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, once you realize that the parts of a person you dislike simply come along with the parts you adore, and that you wouldn\u2019t cut out the energy that drives the latter in order to resolve the former, it\u2019s much easier to accept and even celebrate one\u2019s romantic partner (and friends for that matter) for who they are. When you pick up one end of the stick, you pick up the other, and if it\u2019s a good one, you hold onto it and don\u2019t let it go.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Once the heady chemicals of new love \u2014 which transform one\u2019s sweetheart into the very picture of human perfection \u2014 wear off, each partner discovers that no matter how compatible they are, there is a least one thing, and sometimes several, that each dislikes in the other. Each possesses some habit, behavior, or personality quirk […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":101889,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[218,42377,6,42267,42285],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-99555","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-culture","category-dating","category-featured","category-marriage","category-social"],"featured_image_urls":{"medium_large":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Accept-Partners-Flaws-Header-BLANK-768x429.jpg","large":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Accept-Partners-Flaws-Header-BLANK-538x280.jpg","aom":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Accept-Partners-Flaws-Header-BLANK-372x230.jpg","reactor-320":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Accept-Partners-Flaws-Header-BLANK-320x179.jpg","reactor-640":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2018\/11\/Accept-Partners-Flaws-Header-BLANK-640x357.jpg"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/99555","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=99555"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/99555\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/101889"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=99555"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=99555"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=99555"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=99555"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}