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Some people shy away from having kids because they worry that it won\u2019t make them happy.<\/p>\n
Whether they\u2019re right or wrong really depends on how you define happiness.<\/p>\n
If you define happiness in terms of fun and simple pleasure, then no, parenthood will indeed not make you happy. It adds a heaping helping of responsibility, stress, and friction to life.<\/p>\n
But, if you define happiness as the ancients did, as a state of eudemonia<\/em>, or full human flourishing, in which you hone your capabilities and grow in virtue and excellence, then having children will make you very happy indeed. For it enrolls you in a unique school of character \u2014 a training regimen that can sharpen, refine, and expand you. <\/p>\n Now, of course becoming a parent doesn\u2019t do this automatically; plenty of people manage to raise children and still remain terrible human beings. But, if you embrace parenthood as an opportunity to become a better person, if you willingly lean into the friction, it can be incredibly transformative, strengthening a multitude of character traits.<\/p>\n This list is not exhaustive, at least partially because I myself am an exhausted parent. While a certain amount of delirium can enhance one\u2019s creative faculties, nothing in this exhausted state can really be fully perfect. There are some traits you can and surely will add to this list; parenthood is a school, which like any other, goes through phases, and you\u2019re always learning something new about not only yourself, but your kids, and the world at large as well.<\/p>\n Unlike any other school, though, there\u2019s no graduation. You\u2019ll never toss your mortarboard in the air; only your laughing and giggling toddler. Luckily, it\u2019s a school you\u2019ll never want<\/em> to graduate from. (You may think you want to in the midst of particularly hard and stressful times, but you\u2019ll always come back to loving the heck out of your kids. I once heard an appropriate anecdote about something an old woman said to a parent trying to wrangle his kids in a store: \u201cIt\u2019s perfectly normal and acceptable to want to throw your kids out the window as long as you don\u2019t actually do it.\u201d) You\u2019ll ever stay enrolled in the courses that teach the following traits, and continue your experiments in this incomparable laboratory of love. <\/p>\n Patience. <\/b>My goodness, the patience. This popped into my head first and foremost for a reason: it\u2019s the trait most needed, exercised, tested, and built up in the character-building school of parenthood. It\u2019s required at all phases: for the baby who\u2019s crying for seemingly no reason, for wiping up inevitable pools of urine during potty training, for tactfully dealing with temper tantrums thrown mid-grocery shopping, for elementary-age kiddos figuring out they can actually break rules, for middle schoolers sneaking phones and tablets up to their room after bedtime, for teenagers talking back . . . the list goes on and on and on.<\/span><\/p>\n You\u2019ll learn patience in one area, only for your kiddo to grow up a little bit and test you in another. But ultimately, your capacity for dealing with disappointments and things outside your control, not just regarding parenting but with the world at large, will grow. <\/span><\/p>\n Playfulness. <\/b>This is perhaps the most fun part of parenting \u2014 just learning to play with your kids. And it does indeed take some learning. You\u2019ll want to be making dinner, or changing a lightbulb, or doing any number of other chores around the house, but over time, you\u2019ll realize that there\u2019s greater joy to be had in playing catch or flying kites or even reading books<\/a> than in having a perfectly tidy house. You\u2019ll also learn that the years of your kiddo(s) wanting to play with you are fleeting, so to take advantage of them to the fullest. You\u2019ll have decades later on to have a completely clean house. <\/span><\/p>\n Humility. <\/b>Almost from the second your baby emerges from the womb you\u2019ll realize how imperfect you are, and how unprepared you are for the job of dad. That\u2019s often an excuse for people to wait to have kids (or to not have them at all), but don\u2019t let it be. No first-time parent is ever prepared; in fact I\u2019m not sure it\u2019s <\/span>possible<\/span><\/i> to be prepared for the world-changing experience of dadhood. You\u2019ll gain confidence over time, sure (more on that below), but you\u2019ll also almost constantly be reminded of the character traits you need to work on \u2014 be it your patience, flexibility, sense of humor<\/a>, etc. Don\u2019t take it as a depressing indictment on your character, but as an admonition to grow. <\/span><\/p>\n Confidence. <\/b>Lo and behold, perhaps much to your and everyone else\u2019s amazement, you can actually care for and raise a human being. You can keep the dang thing alive, and even make it laugh sometimes. You can raise a child who excels in school, is kind and gracious, can start a fire, and maybe even likes dear old Mom and Dad. Certainly not every day will build your confidence (some days will indeed feel disastrous), but over time you\u2019ll realize that if you love your kid(s) to the fullest of your abilities and are doing the best you can with what you\u2019ve got, you\u2019re doing alright. <\/span><\/p>\n Improvisation.<\/b> Nothing will go as planned. Ever. (Okay, maybe that\u2019s hyperbole, but only slightly.) There will always be some catastrophe \u2014 whether small or big, either in your eyes or the kiddos\u2019 \u2014 that requires improvisational thinking and decision making<\/a>. A surprise vomiting in the back seat. Forgotten \u2014 and crucial \u2014 stuffed animals on vacations. A teenager coming in the front door past curfew, and drunk. Parenting is chock-full of \u201copportunities\u201d (because calling them sh*tshows doesn\u2019t seem appropriate) to make quick decisions and figure things out on the fly. You\u2019ll not only learn to be prepared for any and every possible outcome, but how to improvise when life throws you a curveball you couldn\u2019t have seen coming.<\/span><\/p>\n Selflessness.<\/b> Perhaps the most obvious one, but true nonetheless. From day one of parenthood, you\u2019re getting a crash course in selflessness. You\u2019ll get over yourself \u2014 your own wants and desires about how you spend your time and energy and money \u2014 real quick. From waking multiple times a night to comfort and feed a crying infant, to shuttling kids to and from school and sports and other extracurricular activities, to much later on, dropping everything and cancelling plans to help care for grandkids when your own children can\u2019t get time off work, you\u2019ll immediately learn <\/span>there isn\u2019t anything you wouldn\u2019t do for your kids<\/span><\/i>. <\/span><\/p>\n Gratefulness.<\/b> Truly, it takes a village. Without the help of our own parents, friends, neighbors, daycare providers, teachers, random cooing and smiling strangers, we parents would be up a creek. When you realize everything people give on your kids’ behalf \u2014 be it time, energy, money, or small gestures of kindness \u2014 your general gratefulness skyrockets. <\/span><\/p>\n Beyond being grateful for the community around you, you\u2019ll quickly learn that you\u2019re grateful for your children themselves, and how much joy their very existence brings to your life. In the words of Reverend John Ames to his son (via novelist Marilynne Robinson<\/a>): <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m writing this in part to tell you that if you ever wonder what you\u2019ve done in your life, and everyone does wonder sooner or later, you have been God\u2019s grace to me, a miracle, something more than a miracle. You may not remember me very well at all, and it may seem to you to be no great thing to have been the good child of an old man in a shabby little town you will no doubt leave behind. If only I had the words to tell you.\u201d<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n And from the late Paul Kalanithi to his young daughter in one of my favorite books, <\/span>When Breath Becomes Air<\/span><\/i><\/a>: <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWhen you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man\u2019s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.\u201d <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Being a parent cultivates your gratefulness in that you come to relish the miracle of life that rests in your arms. <\/span><\/p>\n Trust.<\/b> At some point in a child\u2019s life \u2014 whether it\u2019s very early on or once they hit school-age years \u2014 you\u2019ll have to entrust their care to someone else. Be it a grandparent or teacher, it\u2019s hard for any parent, every time it happens, to leave their child with another person. You not only have an intrinsic, protective fear, but you also just long to be with them, knowing that their time under your roof is precious and limited. <\/span><\/p>\n Beyond that piece of it, you\u2019ll come to learn that you have to trust the kids themselves. Trust in their resilience, their ability to recover from scrapes and bruises \u2014 both physical and emotional, their decision making, their choices in friends and significant others. <\/span><\/p>\n You have to trust that a parent\u2019s greatest act of love is ultimately to facilitate his child\u2019s burgeoning independence — to eventually make yourself obsolete. <\/span><\/p>\n Organization. <\/b>Perhaps a seemingly minor trait, but having kids will force you to be a bit more organized with your life. Beyond just the obvious things like keeping up with vital records and daily schedules, you\u2019ll also need to stay on top of laundry, dishes, general toy clutter, etc. Your domicile will much more quickly become an intimidating black hole of a mess than it did before. I\u2019m far more willing now to spend 15-20 minutes a day picking up and de-cluttering than I was pre-kiddos. <\/span><\/p>\n Adventure.<\/b> Is there a greater adventure than raising children? I\u2019m not one to generally use dictionary definitions in articles, but it\u2019s so fitting here: adventure is \u201c<\/span>an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.\u201d One definition adds \u201cespecially the exploration of unknown territory.\u201d If that\u2019s not parenthood, what is? <\/span><\/p>\n What we usually think of as an adventure typically has an end date. As a parent though, you\u2019re exploring unknown territory until the day you die. <\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s certainly unusual: babies are strange creatures who morph into unrecognizable, sometimes tornadic toddlers, who eventually morph again into rebellious teenagers, who, hopefully, morph yet again into adults who will come to appreciate all their parents have done. <\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s plenty hazardous too — at least for the heart. There\u2019s not only the terrible, worry-inducing risk of an accident or disease befalling your child, but the chance they\u2019ll turn away from you, ripping that very heart in two. <\/span><\/p>\n And as for exciting \u2014 the most genuine smiles I\u2019ve ever had have been when my wife and I exchanged vows, and when my children emerged from the womb. No other moments in life are, ahem, as pregnant with possibilities. <\/span> <\/b><\/p>\n Integrity\/Virtue. <\/b>Few things will inspire you to become a better person more than your kids. It happens right away to some extent, but much more so (at least for me) once it\u2019s clear that they are watching you and <\/span>copying<\/span><\/i> you. As the old poem goes<\/a>, “A careful man I want to be; a little fellow follows me.”<\/span> Cut the swearing, lessen the drinking (especially when your kid says \u201cI need a beer!\u201d), show manners and kindness to people, be reliable and do what you say you will (kids have great memories; they won\u2019t forget you promising ______ when you get home). You know, all the things that make you a good human being. <\/span><\/p>\n Authority\/Assertiveness. <\/b>If you weren\u2019t an assertive guy before becoming a dad, you\u2019ll find out in short order that it\u2019s time to become one. Kids learn all too quick how to talk back, rebel, and generally do things they shouldn\u2019t really be doing. Sometimes they\u2019re intentionally wreaking havoc, but often they just don\u2019t quite know how the world works and are trying to figure it out. When things get out of hand, though, you can\u2019t just pussyfoot around and cave to their demands. You might think you\u2019re a tough guy, but when your little girl looks at you all doe-eyed, it\u2019ll take more self-control than you originally thought to say no<\/a> when you need to. If you were once passive, being a parent will push you to learn what it means to cultivate authority and assertiveness<\/a>. And hopefully in a healthy way \u2014 though it does take time to figure out the balance; one of the best pieces of advice my wife and I received as new parents was to learn how to \u201cpick battles that are big enough to matter, small enough to win.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\nThe Character Traits Trained by the School of Parenthood<\/h3>\n