{"id":65011,"date":"2017-07-14T09:52:44","date_gmt":"2017-07-14T14:52:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=65011"},"modified":"2021-06-06T22:05:37","modified_gmt":"2021-06-07T03:05:37","slug":"social-briefing-10-much-disclose-someone-new","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/relationships\/social-skills\/social-briefing-10-much-disclose-someone-new\/","title":{"rendered":"Social Briefing #10: How Much Should You Disclose to Someone New?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Commanding<\/p>\n

Social Briefings<\/a> are short bi-monthly dispatches that offer practical tips to improve your social skills. <\/em>Read more on their raison d\u2019etre<\/em><\/a>.<\/em> <\/strong><\/p>\n

Once you initiate a conversation with someone new, you\u2019ll begin exchanging comments and questions, and bits of information about yourselves.<\/p>\n

Just how much information should you disclose during these first (and subsequent) encounters?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a tricky question to answer.<\/p>\n

On the one hand, research has shown that people who reveal more about themselves are liked more by the other person than those who are more guarded. Disclosing personal information tells the other person that you trust them, value their point of view, and would like to be closer to them. And as we\u2019ve discussed repeatedly, interest is reciprocal; by showing someone you\u2019re interested in them<\/em>, they\u2019re more likely to be interested in you<\/em>.<\/p>\n

If you feel like your relationships have a tendency to inexplicably and prematurely die on the vine, it may be because you\u2019re playing your cards too close to the chest. A little reserve and aloofness can initially provoke curiosity and be read as mysterious and attractive. But eventually, your reticence will be perceived as coldness, lack of interest, or the desire to hide something about yourself \u2014 whether that\u2019s an unsavory trait or simply the fact that there\u2019s not much for you to show!<\/p>\n

People want to know who you are; they can\u2019t establish an emotional connection with a stranger. Intimacy excites (and that\u2019s true both platonically and romantically) \u2014 there\u2019s no possibility of chemistry without it. If you don\u2019t let your guard down a little, new acquaintances and potential lovers will become put off or bored or both.<\/p>\n

So, self-disclosure is a powerful thing and vitally necessary for building interest and intimacy with people.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, however, disclosing too much can be unattractive, and off-putting in and of itself. Everyone is familiar with the term \u201covershare\u201d \u2014 how can you avoid falling into that trap?<\/p>\n

Today we\u2019ll discuss a few simple principles for balancing the delicate dynamic of self-disclosure.<\/p>\n

Self-Disclosure Principle #1: Keep Disclosures Symmetrical<\/h3>\n

This is the overarching principle to keep in mind regarding sharing personal information. Disclosures should be reciprocal; you should reveal things about yourself at about the same rate and level of intensity as the other person.<\/p>\n

The authors of First Impressions<\/em><\/a> use the analogy of a game of strip poker: you don\u2019t want to be sitting there naked, while everyone else is fully clothed.<\/p>\n

The next two principles below will help you understand how to go about keeping your rate of disclosure symmetrical.<\/p>\n

Self-Disclosure Principle #2: Gradually Deepen the Conversation in Stages<\/h3>\n

In Conversationally Speaking<\/em><\/a>, communications expert Alan Garner delineates the 4 stages through which a conversation proceeds and becomes more meaningful and significant:<\/p>\n