{"id":64629,"date":"2017-06-21T10:24:07","date_gmt":"2017-06-21T15:24:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=64629"},"modified":"2023-09-16T11:57:45","modified_gmt":"2023-09-16T16:57:45","slug":"complainers-finish-last","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/relationships\/social-skills\/complainers-finish-last\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Negativity Is a Social Killer"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-64630\" src=\"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad.jpg\" alt=\"Vintage man in a suit posing a sad frown face.\" width=\"429\" height=\"600\" srcset=\"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad.jpg 732w, https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad-320x448.jpg 320w, https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad-640x895.jpg 640w, https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad-400x560.jpg 400w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 429px) 100vw, 429px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>As discussed as part of our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/social-skills\/\">Social Briefings<\/a> series, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/social-briefing-4-4-social-gifts\/\">\u201celevation\u201d constitutes one of the \u201c4 social gifts\u201d<\/a> that change how their recipients feel for the better, and make their bearers more attractive, likable, and charming. Those who elevate are able to lift others\u2019 moods, and they do so by leading with positivity. Positive people come off as resilient, low maintenance, and high-status &#8212; as folks who will add something to people\u2019s lives.<\/p>\n<p>In contrast to the social gift that elevates, is what might be termed the \u201csocial killer\u201d that depresses. Negativity, in fact, is one of the most significant saboteurs of social success.<\/p>\n<p>If you feel like your social game\u2019s been less than effective, and that people seem less interested in forming a relationship with you than you\u2019d like, it may be because of a tendency to act like an Eeyore around others.<\/p>\n<p>Today we\u2019ll help you recognize your downcast donkey attributes, dig into why they\u2019re such a social slayer, and offer tips on how to interact with others in a more positive and winning way.<\/p>\n<h3>Why Is Negativity Such a Buzzkill?<\/h3>\n<p>As we\u2019ve discussed previously, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/social-briefing-4-4-social-gifts\/\">people want to form relationships with those who seem like they\u2019ll give more (or at least as much) than they take<\/a> &#8212; folks who will be a social <em>asset<\/em>, rather than a social <em>burden<\/em>. Negativity, manifested in a propensity to criticize and complain, serves as one of the strongest signals to others that you\u2019re likely to be the latter rather than the former.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s why negativity reads as a social cost:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Negativity points to undesirable underlying personality traits<\/strong>. Those who complain a lot about their lives, and gripe about annoyances big and small, show that they are potentially:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>pessimistic, self-absorbed, and\/or inflexible<\/li>\n<li>prone to a victimized mindset and a shirker of responsibility<\/li>\n<li>high-maintenance &#8212; a vitality vampire who sucks energy away from other people, and yet doesn\u2019t have enough of it himself to fulfill other people\u2019s needs<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Given this perception, research has unsurprisingly shown that people find bellyachers weaker overall and much less likable, friendly, and reliable than those with a more positive orientation.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Complaints make your life seem problem-ridden<\/strong>. Offering folks a laundry list of your issues communicates that your life may be chaotic, unstable, stagnant, etc. People feel like they have enough problems of their own to want to get involved with yours.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Complaints are boring<\/strong>. In fact, research has shown that people find complaints <em>the<\/em> most boring topic of conversation, bar none. Your poor health, what went wrong at work, or the terrible traffic you navigated to get to the party may seem like super salient and interesting subjects to <em>you<\/em>, because they\u2019re at the forefront of <em>your<\/em> mind. But they\u2019re significantly less interesting to other people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Negativity boomerangs back<\/strong>. Because of a psychological phenomenon called \u201ctrait transference,\u201d the qualities you use to describe other people, get associated with <em>you<\/em>. So if you\u2019re always criticizing and casting shade on other people, folks come to see you under the very same shadow.<\/p>\n<p>In other words, it turns outs there\u2019s really something to that old childhood chant: \u201cI\u2019m rubber, and you\u2019re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Negativity is contagious<\/strong>. It may seem unfair that people treat the negatively inclined as if they had the plague, but that metaphor\u2019s actually not too far from the mark. Negativity not only affects the &#8220;carrier,&#8221; but inflicts a social cost on those within their range &#8212; it tends to spread like a contagion. Someone may be in a great mood, really enjoying their afternoon\u2026and then they get stuck in a conversation with a Negative Nancy, who drains away their positive vibes, essentially robbing the person of their good mood. An Eeyore can even dampen the energy of a whole room, just by walking into it.<\/p>\n<p>The fact that negativity is \u201ccatching,\u201d leads people to back away from those with storm clouds above their heads, lest they too get soaked.<\/p>\n<h3>Lead With Positivity; Use Negativity Sparingly<\/h3>\n<p>Just because it\u2019s ill-advised to share a laundry list of what\u2019s going wrong in your life with someone you\u2019ve just met, doesn\u2019t mean you should <em>never<\/em> share a complaint or critical comment during one\u2019s first and subsequent encounters. Relentless, Pollyanna-ish positivity can read as fake and be just as off-putting as excessive negativity.<\/p>\n<p>Rather, the proper mix of negative, positive, and neutral comments to offer is a matter of <em>order <\/em>and<em> balance<\/em>. Here are some tips on how to navigate this dynamic:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Project a positive mood walking into a room<\/strong>. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/character\/behavior\/surprising-importance-first-impression\/\">First impressions are solidified extremely fast, and last a <em>very<\/em> long time<\/a>; it can take weeks, and even <em>months <\/em>for people to change their initial idea of you. So it\u2019s important to <em>lead with positivity<\/em>, and that begins with the first part of your first impression: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/how-to-enter-a-room-like-a-boss\/\">how you enter the room<\/a>. Your entrance will set the tone for the rest of your interactions, and for the event as a whole.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/social-briefing-6-make-approachable\/\">Projecting warmth, openness, and friendliness makes you less threatening and more approachable<\/a>; it makes people want to engage with you.<\/p>\n<p>Plus, it contributes to the positive vibes of the event as a whole. Just like you should cover your mouth when you sneeze, you should let go of your negativity before you walk into a room to avoid infecting others with the contagion. Self-awareness and social generosity are winning qualities that others can sense and appreciate.<\/p>\n<p>Keep in mind that while you may feel that annoyances prior to an event &#8220;justify&#8221; your bad mood, when people see you walk into a room, they\u2019re not going to think, \u201cHe\u2019s scowling because he just drove through some heinous traffic.\u201d They\u2019ll just think, \u201cWho\u2019s that grouchy killjoy over there?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So as you cross the threshold into an event, drop the storm cloud at the door, and see the situation as a fresh start for a good time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Front-load positive topics into conversation, saving negative\/critical\/heavy comments \u2018til later<\/strong>. Continuing with the principle of leading with positivity, keep the <em>initial <\/em>topics of your first few conversations with someone on a positive track. Beginning with negative stuff will cause alarm bells to ring in the other person\u2019s head, and a create a first impression that perhaps permanently slots you in the \u201csocial burden\u201d category.<\/p>\n<p>Refraining from negativity not only means curbing your complaints and criticisms, but also initially staying away from disclosing \u201cheavier\u201d things about yourself &#8212; issues from your past and present that deal with mental\/physical\/emotional health, divorce, fears, abuse, financial woes, etc.<\/p>\n<p>Generally, a topic is too heavy if it puts the other person into a supportive or nurturing role, where they\u2019re offering empathy and saying things like \u201cThat\u2019s too bad,\u201d or \u201cThat must have been really hard.\u201d When you turn a first encounter into a therapy session, you register as a social burden, rather than a social asset.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, sometimes it naturally emerges that you share some heavy experience in common, and you end up bonding over that, which is fine. You just shouldn\u2019t try to deliberately initiate that line of discussion, nor shoehorn your issues into the conversation.<\/p>\n<p>Realize that while negative stuff in your life may be just a small slice of who you are, that little slice is all a new acquaintance will know of you. Without greater context of other, more positive, parts of yourself, they\u2019ll take your negative news as indicative of your life as a whole.<\/p>\n<p>Once you\u2019ve gotten to know the person some, and they\u2019ve gotten to know you &#8212; once you\u2019ve built a scaffolding that shows people you have plenty of positive things going on in your life too &#8212; they\u2019ll be better prepared to handle the weight of your weaknesses, flaws, and past pain. They\u2019ll be more willing to say, \u201cHelping him with this issue is going to require my patience and energy, but I\u2019m okay with making that emotional investment because his good qualities outweigh the bad.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Don\u2019t (much) discuss your exes on a first date<\/strong>. While complaining or even commiserating about your exes may seem like a good way to bond with a new love interest, it starts your nascent relationship off on a negative foot, where you\u2019re connecting over things you don\u2019t like about people, rather than your positive interests. And remember the rubber\/glue principle: the criticisms you level at other people will become associated with <em>you<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>So keep to this general rule: only bring up your exes if they\u2019re absolutely relevant and necessary to the conversation. A years-long relationship can have been a big, influential part of your past, so much so that it\u2019s impossible to talk about your present without reference to it. For example, if your date asks how you ended up in California, it\u2019s certainly appropriate to say that you followed your girlfriend to the coast, and that even though you broke up, you decided to stay.<\/p>\n<p>Outside of what\u2019s necessary to discuss the basics typically surfaced on a first date, however, don\u2019t leave a seat at the table for the ghosts of your past. Talking too much about an ex can make it seem like you\u2019re still not over her, and talking about the hurt she put on you forces your new lady friend into the nurturing role. Again, a date is not a therapy session.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Never \u201cone-down\u201d people<\/strong>. While a sprinkling of more negative\/critical comments can be okay, you never want to \u201cone-down\u201d people; that is, when someone shares something that\u2019s gone wrong in their life, you don\u2019t want to say, \u201cOh that happened to me too, <em>but even worse<\/em>.\u201d A one-upping contest makes you seem insecure; a one-downing contest makes you seem insecure\u2026and majorly depressing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Use humor and self-deprecation<\/strong>. Sometimes there\u2019s no way around sharing the fact you\u2019re still living with your parents or between jobs. Be honest, but also share these less favorable bits with a dose of humor and self-deprecation. \u201cI was bummed I had to sell my car, but hey, I\u2019ve always wanted to try biking to work, so I guess this is my chance to finally break out the spandex!\u201d You may have less status in a certain area, but the fact you don\u2019t take yourself too seriously is a point of status in and of itself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sometimes it\u2019s particularly okay to complain\/be critical.&nbsp;<\/strong>There are a few situations where complaining can not only be appropriate, but even advisable:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>If the complaint makes for a good conversation piece<\/em> &#8212; something that\u2019s been on the news, that people can connect with, that\u2019s part of an entertaining story. Maybe crazy long lines at airport security have been a big news story, and you missed your flight because of them; your experience \u201con the ground\u201d can make for a good conversation piece.<\/li>\n<li><em>If the complaint helps you suss out shared values\/personality<\/em> &#8212; sometimes floating a critical comment can help you see if you\u2019re on the same page as someone about something. For example, telling someone that you weren\u2019t crazy about a point a preacher you just listened to made can inform the other person about your approach to faith, opening up a line of constructive dialogue and a new area of connection.<\/li>\n<li><em>If you\u2019re commiserating about a shared annoyance &#8212; waiting for a band to come on stage, waiting for a late train, serving on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/character\/advice\/how-to-prepare-for-jury-duty\/\">jury duty<\/a>. Commiseration can be very bonding. Just make sure you complain with humor and an eye towards camaraderie, rather than very seriously and angrily, which will read as a sense of entitlement. Also, only be critical of an event\/object, not another <\/em><em>person<\/em>. Commiserating about another person can be bonding too, in the short term, but it weakens your relationship in the long term; your companion will wonder what you say about him behind <em>his <\/em>back.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Pivot to resilience<\/strong>. When you do share a negative fact about your life, follow it up with how you\u2019re dealing with it in a resilient way. \u201cIt\u2019s been hard being out of work, but my dad\u2019s sick, and I\u2019ve been able to use the time to take care of him, so it\u2019s worked out well in that way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If someone asks you how you\u2019re doing, and you don\u2019t want to put on a totally fake fa\u00e7ade, say something like: &#8220;Until I got to this party, my day honestly wasn&#8217;t going well, but now I\u2019m having a great time.\u201d Such a comment winningly shows your gratitude for the host, that you&#8217;re not someone who dwells on negativity, and that you\u2019re able to bounce back from being in a funk.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re someone who struggles with negativity, know that while it can be a disadvantage in social success, socializing is, ironically enough, also its best remedy. The more you forget your own problems, and concentrate on helping others have a good time, the better you\u2019ll feel yourself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>As discussed as part of our Social Briefings series, \u201celevation\u201d constitutes one of the \u201c4 social gifts\u201d that change how their recipients feel for the better, and make their bearers more attractive, likable, and charming. Those who elevate are able to lift others\u2019 moods, and they do so by leading with positivity. Positive people come [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":64632,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,42285,42293],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-64629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-relationships","category-social-skills"],"featured_image_urls":{"large":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad2-424x280.png","reactor-320":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad2-320x257.png","aesop-tiny-cover":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad2-400x321.png","aesop-character":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad2-200x200.png","aesop-collection":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad2-300x300.png","aesop-grid-image":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/06\/sad2-400x321.png"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/64629","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=64629"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/64629\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":178699,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/64629\/revisions\/178699"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/64632"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=64629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=64629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=64629"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=64629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}