{"id":63976,"date":"2017-05-12T09:37:22","date_gmt":"2017-05-12T14:37:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=63976"},"modified":"2021-06-06T13:03:20","modified_gmt":"2021-06-06T18:03:20","slug":"social-briefing-7-initiate-small-talk-using-method","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/relationships\/social-skills\/social-briefing-7-initiate-small-talk-using-method\/","title":{"rendered":"Social Briefing #7: How to Initiate Small Talk Using the ARE Method"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Officer<\/p>\n

Social Briefings<\/a> are short bi-monthly dispatches that offer practical tips to improve your social skills. <\/em>Read more on their raison d\u2019etre<\/em><\/a>.<\/em> <\/strong><\/p>\n

So you know how to approach people<\/a> to initiate a conversation, and how to make it more likely that folks will approach you to chat<\/a>.<\/p>\n

But once you\u2019re \u201cin\u201d what then? How do you actually begin engaging in small talk and how do you build the conversation from there?<\/p>\n

Communications expert Dr. Carol Fleming has formulated<\/a> what is arguably the easiest and most effective method for initiating small talk: a three-part process that moves from Anchor, to Reveal, to Encourage (\u201cARE\u201d).<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s unpack what\u2019s involved with each step:<\/p>\n

Anchor<\/h3>\n

Kick off a conversation by anchoring it in your \u201cmutual shared reality.\u201d Your opening line extends the first little thread of connection between you and another person — the lightest of pleasantries about something you\u2019re both seeing or experiencing. You can talk about what\u2019s going on around you — the weather, atmosphere, environment, food, happenings of the situation you\u2019re in — or compliment the person you\u2019re engaging.<\/p>\n

    \n
  • Packing up things after class:<\/em> “Those exam questions were way different than I was expecting.”<\/li>\n
  • Passing by each other in the weight room:<\/em> “Great lift!”<\/li>\n
  • Standing in line for food at a wedding:<\/em> “Pie for a wedding dessert! I\u2019ve never seen that before, but it\u2019s awesome.”<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Don\u2019t get caught up thinking that such comments are too superficial, and search in vain for something truly clever to say. Fleming calls such exchanges \u201cfriendly noises,\u201d and you both know they\u2019re not meaningful, but just a gradual and polite way to segue into a \u201creal\u201d conversation.<\/p>\n

    Reveal<\/h3>\n

    Next, disclose something about yourself that is related to the anchor you just threw out:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • “I decided to study for the first time this semester, but I guess I studied all the wrong things!”<\/li>\n
    • “I\u2019d love to be able to pull that much weight on the deadlift.”<\/li>\n
    • “Can\u2019t say I\u2019ve ever been a big fan of wedding cake anyway.”<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      By opening up a little more, we extend to the other person a few more threads of connection and trust, while at the same time providing them fodder to which to respond.<\/p>\n

      Encourage<\/h3>\n

      Now you hand off the ball to them by asking a question:<\/p>\n

        \n
      • “Did the test surprise you too?”<\/li>\n
      • “Are you following a specific program?”<\/li>\n
      • “Are you [a fan of wedding cake]?”<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        Keep Building the Conversation<\/h3>\n

        By employing the effective ARE method, you\u2019ll successfully have exchanged a few pleasantries, but these tender threads of small talk can still easily disintegrate and blow away at this point.<\/p>\n

        So you want to weave those light threads into an increasingly sturdy rope. You do this by offering follow-up comments and questions designed to elicit responses that will continue to build the conversation. Giving a comment takes more skill, as you have to craft one that will continue the back and forth. Ideally, you should form both a comment and a back-up question in your mind so that if they respond to your comment with only a laugh or an uh-huh, you\u2019re ready to get things moving again.<\/p>\n

        Let\u2019s take a look at how our three example conversations might progress:<\/p>\n

        You:<\/em> “Those exam questions were way different than I was expecting. I decided to study for the first time this semester, and I guess I studied all the wrong things! Did the test surprise you too?”<\/p>\n

        Other Person:<\/em> “Definitely. I really focused all my studying on the Civil War period and there wasn\u2019t a single question about that!”<\/p>\n

        You:<\/em> “I think I\u2019m going to need to take advantage of the extra credit opportunity by going to one of the museums here in town. Do you have any recommendations on which is the best?”<\/p>\n

        \n

        You:<\/em> “Great lift — I\u2019d love to be able to pull that much weight on the deadlift. Are you following a specific program?”<\/p>\n

        Other Person:<\/em> “Have you heard of Starting Strength?”<\/p>\n

        You:<\/em> “No, I haven\u2019t. Is it something that real beginners can do?”<\/p>\n

        \n

        You:<\/em> “Pie for a wedding dessert! I\u2019ve never seen that before, but it\u2019s awesome. Can\u2019t say I\u2019ve ever been a big fan of wedding cake anyway. Are you?”<\/p>\n

        Other Person:<\/em> “Nah, it\u2019s always dry.”<\/p>\n

        You:<\/em> “Exactly! I was once at wedding that just had a huge table of cookies and big glasses of milk and I thought that was a great idea too.”<\/p>\n

        Other Person:<\/em> “Yeah, that would be great.”<\/p>\n

        You:<\/em> “So how do you know the happy couple?”<\/p>\n

        \n

        Whether you follow-up with a comment or question, be sure to alternate between the two options and strike a balance: too many questions fired one right after the other will make the conversation feel more like an interrogation, and too many of your own comments won\u2019t give the other person a chance to talk. That\u2019s no good, as your interest in what they have to say is what endears you to them.<\/p>\n

        So tip the scale more heavily towards questions, especially of the open-ended variety. How do you craft open vs. closed questions? That\u2019s what we\u2019ll discuss next time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        Social Briefings are short bi-monthly dispatches that offer practical tips to improve your social skills. Read more on their raison d\u2019etre.  So you know how to approach people to initiate a conversation, and how to make it more likely that folks will approach you to chat. But once you\u2019re \u201cin\u201d what then? How do you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":62029,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[42285,42293],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-63976","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-social-skills"],"featured_image_urls":{"large":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Social-Briefing-Header-538x280.jpg","reactor-320":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Social-Briefing-Header-320x197.jpg","reactor-640":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Social-Briefing-Header-640x394.jpg","aesop-tiny-cover":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Social-Briefing-Header-400x246.jpg","aesop-character":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Social-Briefing-Header-200x200.jpg","aesop-collection":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Social-Briefing-Header-300x300.jpg","aesop-grid-image":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Social-Briefing-Header-400x246.jpg"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63976","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=63976"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63976\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":136479,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63976\/revisions\/136479"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/62029"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=63976"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=63976"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=63976"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=63976"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}