{"id":62682,"date":"2017-03-10T11:38:17","date_gmt":"2017-03-10T17:38:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=62682"},"modified":"2021-06-06T13:03:25","modified_gmt":"2021-06-06T18:03:25","slug":"social-briefing-4-4-social-gifts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/relationships\/social-skills\/social-briefing-4-4-social-gifts\/","title":{"rendered":"Social Briefing #4: Your 4 Social Gifts"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Commander<\/p>\n

Social Briefings<\/a> are short bi-monthly dispatches that offer practical tips to improve your social skills. <\/em>Read more on their raison d\u2019etre<\/em><\/a>.<\/em> <\/strong><\/p>\n

In these first Social Briefings we’ve been laying the foundation for charm that needs to be in place for more practical social habits to be effective.<\/p>\n

In the last briefing, we discussed the fact that when you make someone feel good about themselves, they often project these vibes onto you, and feel good about you, too.<\/p>\n

But how do you engender these positive feelings in others?<\/p>\n

By acting as a host, and presenting them with 4 social gifts.<\/p>\n

You as Perennial Host<\/h3>\n

When we meet new people, we typically think of the encounter as the meeting of two mutual strangers — two \u201cguests.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yet to be a charming socializer, it pays to think of yourself as the host<\/em> in every situation. Regardless of who invited whom out, or made the first move, or whether you\u2019re actually a bonafide guest in another person\u2019s house. The host mindset is one you adopt in all times, places, and circumstances.<\/p>\n

In thinking of yourself in the role of perennial host, your focus is always on making other people feel welcome and \u201cat home\u201d (even when you\u2019re out and about). Your disposition and behavior says, \u201cput up your feet and relax\u201d; you seek to immediately make those you meet feel as comfortable and taken care of around you as possible.<\/p>\n

As a host, you take the lead in initiating conversation, and picking it up when it lags. You ensure the other person is having a good time, and try to be \u201chospitable\u201d in meeting their needs.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re socially generous<\/em>, and come into every encounter bearing gifts designed to meet those needs.<\/p>\n

Your 4 Social Gifts<\/h3>\n

What is it exactly that makes someone attractive, likeable, charming, magnetic? While there are many behaviors that demonstrate these traits, underneath them all, what is really being communicated is this: I have something to add to your life<\/em>.<\/p>\n

While we think of the dynamics of social interaction as sort of abstract and nebulous in nature, there\u2019s really a more rational calculation going on. Every relationship represents both a privilege and a responsibility; friends and lovers will both add to your life, but also require your time, help, emotional — and sometimes even financial — support. People are thus looking to connect with others with whom the equation will be most favorable — folks who have more social \u201cbenefits\u201d than \u201ccosts.\u201d They\u2019re looking for people who will be a net positive in their life and are repelled by those who will seemingly extract more than they give.<\/p>\n

The \u201ceconomics\u201d of this \u201csocial exchange\u201d perhaps sound awfully cold and calculating, but that\u2019s human nature, yours and mine.<\/p>\n

This is why you\u2019re excited when you find someone who loves to talk religion as much as you do, or you meet a potential weightlifting partner who you sense is going to help you towards your goals. And why, conversely, when you meet someone who is painfully boring, or talks non-stop about all the \u201cdrama\u201d in their life, you want to back slowly towards the door.<\/p>\n

Knowing that people are looking for strengthening allies, and want to connect with folks who will enhance their life instead of burdening it, it\u2019s easy to see why the key to being socially successful is being socially generous — demonstrating you\u2019re the kind of person who may give more, or at least as much, as you take.<\/p>\n

You do this by offering what the authors of First Impressions: What You Don\u2019t Know About How Others See You<\/em><\/a> call your 4 \u201csocial gifts.\u201d These gifts fulfill people\u2019s fundamental, universal needs, change how they feel about themselves (and thus you), and fall into four categories:<\/p>\n