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Having your first kid is a huge adjustment. A baby bomb drops from the sky, or at least a gurney, and explodes your old routines and way of being in the world. It can be a stressful experience (less so if you follow these tips<\/a>), as you pretty much have no idea what you\u2019re doing. You\u2019re figuring out everything for the first time, learning by trial and error, and worried you\u2019re not doing stuff right.<\/p>\n In comparison, having your second kid is a cakewalk. You feel like an old veteran. You\u2019ve been down this road before and pretty much know what to expect and how to proceed. You\u2019re usually a lot more relaxed.<\/p>\n Yes, the arrival of your second kid is usually a pretty straightforward affair. But there are two new things this time around to be aware of, and today we\u2019ll offer some advice on how to address them and smooth the transition to becoming a family of four.<\/p>\n Having your second kid is just like having your first, except for one important wild card: rather than bringing your baby home to an empty house, you\u2019ll be returning to territory that\u2019s already been marked and occupied by child #1.<\/p>\n Parenting books will give you advice on getting your firstborn ready for their sibling\u2019s arrival — taking them to one of your wife\u2019s prenatal appointments, reading them books about what it means to be a big brother\/sister, letting them \u201chelp\u201d decorate the baby\u2019s new room, etc. But I honestly think these kinds of things serve to comfort the parents more than the kid. Little tykes really can\u2019t conceptualize what having a baby bro\/sis is actually going to mean for them; it\u2019s like someone asking you to imagine a color you\u2019ve never seen.<\/p>\n No, all you can really do for your firstborn is to be there for them during the adjustment period after the baby comes home.<\/p>\n It\u2019s impossible to say how your firstborn is going to react to having a sibling — it all depends on their age and personality. Flexible, roll-with-the-punches kids and older children tend to have an easier time. Kids who are sensitive and like having a strict routine, will likely have a harder adjustment. Even within a single kid, their reaction may swing from interest, happiness, and affection, to anger, sadness, and hostility all in the course of a day (or hour!).<\/p>\n However they react, just be patient, supportive, and sympathetic. You\u2019ve just got to keep in mind that it really is<\/em> a huge adjustment to go from being the center of your parents\u2019 universe, to having to share their time and attention with another creature. Feelings of jealousy and rivalry are natural. It\u2019s like if your wife brought another husband into the family, and you were expected to immediately jump on the polyandry train. A baby adds a new addition to the family, but there\u2019s genuine loss there too, which you may even feel a twinge of yourself — it\u2019s the end of the 3 amigos.<\/p>\n When Scout was born, Gus, who was almost three, acted pretty much fine for about a week. Then, I guess when he realized that this new addition was permanent, he commenced acting out and having nuclear meltdowns. When I\u2019d hug him, he\u2019d sob and heave on my shoulder with a heartbreak that was truly palpable; it genuinely broke my heart as a dad. We didn\u2019t let him get away with it when he broke the rules (he still had to go to timeout), but we were as patient with his outbursts as possible. And when he cried, I tried to reassure him that the new baby wasn\u2019t taking his place, and that I loved him just the same as before. When it seemed like he wished he was getting babied too, I\u2019d remind him of all the advantages of being older, like say, not having to crap in your pants.<\/p>\n Both parents should try to have some dedicated, one-on-one time with your oldest each day, but since mom tends to be the most preoccupied, this is something you can really focus on as a dad. As mom has less time for your firstborn, you can step into the gap and give him or her more attention.<\/p>\n Gus and I already spent a lot of time together, but I made an even greater effort to hang out with him. Maintaining the firstborn\u2019s routine as much as possible is important and we kept up with our Saturday morning ritual of going out to breakfast together, and I also made a concerted effort to bring him along on errands or take him out somewhere to play.<\/p>\n Not only does plenty of dad attention reassure your firstborn that he or she hasn\u2019t been forgotten, but it can get them out of the house and away from a caterwauling newborn. So spend that alone time with your oldest, and if you haven\u2019t already done so, establish some one-on-one rituals that will make him feel special.<\/p>\n No matter how hard your firstborn initially takes gaining a sibling, the new family relationship and dynamic will eventually settle in. Gus and Scout now refer to themselves as best friends and get along great.<\/p>\n You may think, maybe even hope, that your first and second children will be similar in temperament and personality. And not having any other experience, you\u2019ll also very likely think that the way your firstborn developed and hit milestones is the<\/em> way babies develop. Anything that went well with your first, you\u2019ll attribute to your great parenting skills, and imagine being easily reproducible.<\/p>\n But you are very, very likely in for a surprise.<\/p>\n According to pediatrician Dr. Perri Klass<\/a>, \u201cthe hardest thing to teach, especially to people who haven\u2019t yet done any child-rearing, is how different\u2026healthy, normal babies can be, right from the beginning\u201d:<\/p>\n \u201cEvery child is a different assignment — and we can all pay lip service to that cheerfully enough. But the hard thing to believe is how different the assignments can be. Within the range of developmentally normal children, some parents have a much, much harder job than others: more drudge work, less gratification, more public shaming. It sometimes feels like the great undiscussed secret of pediatrics — and of parenting. Babies and children are different, assignments are different, and we spend a lot of time patting ourselves on the back — as parents and as pediatricians — when the easy babies and toddlers behave like themselves, and a lot of time agonizing and assigning blame when the more difficult kids run true to form\u2026<\/p>\n As a pediatrician, I feel this in the exam room all the time — respect for parents who are coping good-naturedly with the cranky and the colicky. Sympathy for parents who break down when they describe public tantrums and the judgments passed by onlookers who assume that a crying baby must automatically reflect either a too-indulgent or a too-neglectful parent — or both at once\u2026<\/p>\n I want to acknowledge that the job of rearing one healthy, normal child can be much more challenging than the job of rearing the one who came before — or who will come after.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n So much of your kids\u2019 personalities comes hardwired right out the gate that you\u2019ll wonder if Plato wasn\u2019t on to something with his idea of there being a preexistence<\/a>! A failure to recognize these inherent differences, and approaching your second child with set rather than open expectations can cause you a lot of grief. If your first kid was really easy, you\u2019ll attribute this to your parenting skillz and expect your second kid to be likewise; if he\u2019s not, you\u2019ll become monumentally frustrated. If your first kid was hard, you might end up being too tough on yourself for a temperament you can\u2019t control. Either way, you may try parenting strategies that worked for your first kid on the second, continually attempting to fit a square peg in a round hole, and experiencing vexation rather than success.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s how having erroneous expectations for our second kid played out for us.<\/p>\n Gus started sleeping through the night at about 8 weeks, and was a tremendously good sleeper from pretty much there on out. Kate and I hadn\u2019t really done anything to encourage that, but still figured we must have had something to do with it — that maybe it was because we were so calm and laidback, and he had absorbed these calm vibes, which helped him relax into a nice, normal sleep cycle. We couldn\u2019t understand all the fuss and debate about sleep training, and figured those parents must be overly stressing or something.<\/p>\n Well, as it turns out, we would soon come to understand it all very well — for somehow our calm vibes failed to have the same effect on Gus\u2019 sister! Scout developed acid reflux, and didn\u2019t sleep through the night \u2018til she was almost 2. We even did a consultation with a baby sleep coach to try to crack the code. Boy, it was a frustrating two years, and I think it was even more frustrating because we had expected her to sleep just like Gus.<\/p>\n Gus\u2019 and Scout\u2019s personalities were (and are!) absolute polar opposites too. Gus was a very serious, intense kid who was generally compliant when it came to good behavior, and started spelling with blocks at 17 months, reading at 2, and could count to 800 before he was 3. Scout, who\u2019s almost 3 now, is joyful, fun-loving, affectionate, fiercely stubborn, and has yet to read a word.<\/p>\n We\u2019ve come to realize that Gus is never gong to be Scout, and Scout is never going to be Gus; they\u2019re both unique individuals. We don\u2019t expect Gus to be ebullient, nor expect Scout to be working on her arithmetic. We don\u2019t take credit for Gus\u2019 precocious cognitive skills, nor blame ourselves for Scout\u2019s stubbornness and occasional public outbursts.<\/p>\n That doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019ve absolved ourselves of responsibility in raising them. Rather, we see them as seeds with a potential we didn\u2019t program ourselves. A lot of what they\u2019re going to grow into we can\u2019t control, but we can do our best to shape and nurture their potential — watering and fertilizing the seed, building a fence to keep out herbivores, and trimming back weeds.<\/p>\n While we use the same parenting best practices with both children, we\u2019ve had to learn that different kids sometimes need different approaches. You can\u2019t automatically apply the exact strategy that worked so well for one kid to their sibling. You set certain rules and standards for behavior, and then you adjust them to each child\u2019s idiosyncrasies, loving them for who they are and what they\u2019ll become.<\/p>\n Be sure to listen to our podcast with Susan Dominus<\/a> about family culture and the sibling effect:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\nTip #1: Give Your Firstborn Dedicated Attention and Support<\/h3>\n
Tip #2: Don\u2019t Expect the Second Kid to Be Anything Like the First<\/h3>\n