{"id":49423,"date":"2015-08-06T18:28:02","date_gmt":"2015-08-06T23:28:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=49423"},"modified":"2026-03-13T09:05:18","modified_gmt":"2026-03-13T14:05:18","slug":"how-to-text-message-a-woman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/social\/dating\/how-to-text-message-a-woman\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Initiate Contact With a Woman Via Text: The Dos and Don\u2019ts of Crafting a Charming and Effective First Message"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Vintage<\/strong><\/p>\n

Last month, we talked about whether you should ask a woman on a date via phone or text<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Many of you fervently felt that, barring an opportunity to ask in-person (the best, manliest option, we can all agree), calling was the only way to go. But I honestly disagree and believe that texting for a date should be perfectly acceptable in some situations. While I don\u2019t think you should text simply because you\u2019re too scared to call, you should go that route if you think the gal would like it best — because of her age, personality, whatever. Being a gentleman is all about making the other person feel comfortable.<\/p>\n

Even if you\u2019re totally opposed to asking for a date via text, you might consider a very sensible method mentioned by some other readers: texting first to tell her you enjoyed meeting, asking if it would be alright to call her later, and then phoning her to actually ask for the date. This approach re-initiates some rapport, ensures your call is expected (phone calls are so rare these days that they can be jarring!) and that you don\u2019t call at an inopportune time, and allows the lady to plan how she\u2019ll respond. Smart, effective, and civil, while also demonstrating your chutzpah. Win-win.<\/p>\n

Whether or not you text for a date directly, or just text to initiate contact leading to a phone call, the big question of course is this: What should you say? And does it even matter?<\/p>\n

Why It\u2019s Important to Craft a Charming First Text<\/h3>\n

Modern daters really make two first impressions on potential love interests. The first is when you meet face-to-face and exchange numbers. The second \u201cfirst\u201d impression is when you then reach out by text. In a way, that first text is basically you re-introducing yourself. Maybe you met only in passing; maybe her memory of talking to you at the bar last night is a little fuzzy. Her interest in you might be on the bubble, and your initial text can sway her to one side or the other. Will it deepen her attraction and improve your chances of getting a date, or will it royally screw things up?<\/p>\n

While you might be tempted to argue that the content and framing of your initial message can\u2019t possibly matter that much — that if a lady is interested, she\u2019s going to respond positively either way — that\u2019s simply not the case. This isn\u2019t just an opinion either, but a matter of empirical research. When comedian Aziz Ansari and sociologist Eric Klinenberg teamed up to write a book on the conundrums of the modern, heterosexual dating scene<\/a>, they conducted hundreds of focus groups and interviews, and also asked a large group of participants to open up their phones for study. Rather than trusting what people said<\/em> they did and responded to (often based on erroneous memories), the pair watched people\u2019s text conversations unfold in real time.<\/p>\n

What they discovered, Ansari writes in Modern Romance<\/em>, is that \u201cthe smallest change in what [men] text on a screen can make a huge difference in their dating success face-to-face\u201d and \u201cthat one text can change the whole dynamic of a relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

No pressure, right?<\/p>\n

Fortunately, learning how to craft a charming, rapport-building, effective first text — one that will garner you a positive response, and a date — is simple. Today we\u2019ll walk you through it.<\/p>\n

The Dos and Don\u2019ts of Initiating Contact Via Text<\/span><\/h3>\n

With your in-person first impression, you\u2019ve got a bunch of tools to demonstrate the 3 elements of charisma — Presence<\/a>, Warmth<\/a>, and Power<\/a>. With a text, you\u2019re stuck with a static medium — somehow you\u2019ve got to find a way to express those elements within the confines of the characters on a screen. It\u2019s a challenge, but a very doable one. All you\u2019ve got to do is follow these dos and don\u2019ts Ansari and Klinenberg gleaned from their research:<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t:<\/h3>\n

Send a generic<\/strong> \u201cHey\u201d text.<\/strong> \u201cHey,\u201d \u201cHeyyy,\u201d \u201cWassup,\u201d and \u201cWatcha doin?\u201d are as common as dirt, and clutter people\u2019s phones across the land. They show no personality or thought, and are thus more likely to be ignored. They\u2019re also terrible conversation initiators; what\u2019s a good response to \u201cHey\u201d besides sending one in return? Heyyy-ing inhibits the ball before it even gets rolling.<\/p>\n

Use misspelled words\/poor grammar.<\/strong> It may seem like a superficial, trivial thing, especially on a medium that\u2019s meant for abbreviated, casual conversation, but Aziz found that poor spelling and grammar actually had a big effect on women\u2019s perception of those texting them. Even if it happens on a subconscious level, you just come off as less mature and intelligent when you text things like, \u201cWanna go see the new Salvador Deli exhibit sum time?\u201d Poor punctuation choices — like too many !!!! — is inadvisable as well.<\/p>\n

Engage in endless banter.<\/strong> It\u2019s fine to trade some pleasantries back and forth before asking for a date or telling her you\u2019ll call later, but don\u2019t let it drag on and on because you\u2019re too scared to pull the trigger. \u201cHow\u2019s your morning going?\u201d \u201cGood, just digging into a bowl of Lucky Charms.\u201d \u201cCool. I love Lucky Charms, but I really just like the marshmallows. LOL.” This kind of banal banter continues for days, even weeks, and often fades away without the pair ever meeting up again.<\/p>\n

Get caught up in an endless back and forth about scheduling. <\/strong>The bane of socializing in modern life — among friends and lovers alike — is trying to schedule a time to get together. You suggest a time for the date; they\u2019re unavailable for that time and promise to get back to you with a better one. When they do, you\u2019re busy that day. And on it goes for days, perhaps weeks! An endless back and forth about scheduling can also confuse the initiator as to whether or not a gal is really<\/em> busy, or simply trying to turn him down \u201cnicely.\u201d<\/p>\n

Repeatedly text multiple messages back to a single reply and\/or send long messages in reply to short ones.<\/strong> You should see about the same amount of blue and green bubbles on your screen, both in the number of messages, and in their length. You don\u2019t want to come off as overly eager and excited in a way that doesn\u2019t match your recipient\u2019s level of enthusiasm.<\/p>\n

Leave it unclear as to whether you\u2019re asking for a date or to simply hang out.<\/strong> One of the biggest pet peeves amongst the women in Ansari’s focus groups was when guys left it unclear as to whether they were extending an invitation to hang out or for a real date. Everyone likes to be able to set accurate expectations for what\u2019s in store.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t know the difference between a date and hanging out? Remember the 3 P\u2019s<\/a>: a real date is Planned out, Paired off (just the two of you), and Paid for.<\/p>\n

Text back right away.<\/strong> It looks desperate. More on timing below.<\/p>\n

Do:<\/h3>\n

Refer back to the previous in-person interaction.<\/strong> Show that you were listening when you talked face-to-face and that your interaction left a memorable impact. \u201cI\u2019m still laughing about the fact that the guy took a chicken finger off your plate and walked away! Classic.\u201d \u201cThanks a ton for recommending I pick up Brandon Flowers\u2019 new album. It\u2019s so much better than I was expecting. What\u2019s your favorite song on it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Extend a firm invitation to something specific at a specific time. <\/strong>Cut short the scheduling back-and-forth, the endless banal banter, and the questions over whether you\u2019re going to be hanging out or dating in one fell swoop by sending a clear, direct invitation that explains what, when, and where. \u201cI\u2019d love to take you out to dinner at the Spicy Burrito on Friday. Let me know if you\u2019re free.\u201d Or even, \u201cI\u2019d love to take you on date. Friday, 7 pm at the Spicy Burrito. Let me know if you\u2019re game.\u201d In a time of wish-washy, pussy-footed texts, being confident and straightforward can surprisingly work wonders.<\/p>\n

Now, you can certainly suggest a single date\/time as in the above examples, but if she\u2019s not available, that can lead to the initiation of a long scheduling exchange. I would recommend providing two options if possible: \u201cI\u2019d love to take you to dinner on Friday or Saturday. Which night would work best?\u201d Not only does this give her choices, but it turns a yes\/no question into a yes\/yes one.<\/p>\n

\n

Texting and the Brad Pitt Rule<\/h3>\n

What should you do if you ask a woman out via text and she says she\u2019s busy on the day(s) you propose? Should you ask again? The classic Brad Pitt rule<\/a> kicks in here — but with a texting addendum. The Brad Pitt rule says that if a woman is interested<\/a> in you, if she can\u2019t accept a date at the time you propose, she\u2019ll counter with an alternative; if she doesn\u2019t, she\u2019s not interested.<\/p>\n

With a text though, I feel women may be less likely to do this. On the phone there\u2019s more pressure to fill a gap in the moment; with texting it\u2019s easier to let a message just sit there. What I mean is, you text, \u201cHow about dinner on Friday or Saturday?\u201d She says: \u201cOh darn, I\u2019m busy both days.\u201d \u2026 Now who\u2019s going to make the next move?<\/p>\n

Responding with, \u201cHow about next weekend then?\u201d sounds a little desperate, so text something like: \u201cAh, too bad. I\u2019ll hit you up another time.\u201d Then, you wait a week or so and ask again. If she\u2019s still busy, and still doesn\u2019t propose an alternative time, then she\u2019s probably not interested.<\/p>\n

In short, when applying the Brad Pitt rule<\/a> to texting, ask twice rather than once before cutting your losses.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Use humor.<\/strong> Trying to be funny is chancy, because she might misinterpret your quip. But it\u2019s usually worth an attempt if you think you\u2019ve got something LOL-inducing to say.<\/p>\n

Wait to respond<\/strong>. Yeah, yeah, yeah — nobody likes to play games, and can\u2019t we all just be upfront and genuine and not be afraid to show our (over)eagerness? It\u2019s a nice sentiment, surely, but it ignores the psychological\/neurological reality of how our brains work.<\/p>\n

Scientists have found that when they put rats (whose brains are surprisingly like ours) in a cage and allow them to receive a reward by pressing a lever, when the rewards come consistently — every time the lever is pressed — the rats start out eager and excited, but then lose interest and slow down their lever pushing. In contrast, when the lever-pushing only results in a reward some of the time, the rats get amped up and push the lever like crazy.<\/p>\n

In another study, this time on human females, social psychologists showed college coeds the Facebook profiles of male students and were told that these men had already seen and rated the women\u2019s own profiles. The female students were shown one set of men\u2019s profiles they were told had rated them as average, one set they were told had liked them the best, and one set where the men had either rated them as average or best — the actual rating was withheld from the participants. Then it was the women\u2019s turn to rate the men. Unsurprisingly, the women said they were more attracted to the men who had liked them best than those who had rated them as average; we like those who like us. But interestingly, they were most <\/em>attracted to the set of men whose interest in them was uncertain. The women ended up thinking about those \u201cin-limbo\u201d men the most as well.<\/p>\n

A similar principle undergirds both the rat and Facebook examples: uncertainty creates excitement, interest, and attraction. Waiting, anticipation, wonder — these feelings and behaviors boost dopamine in the human brain, driving you to want to know how an unresolved outcome will turn out. Uncertainty also simply makes you think about something, or someone, and the more you think about that person, the more attracted you feel to them; your brain thinks, \u201cWell, if they\u2019re stuck in my head like this, I must be interested.\u201d Conversely, when something becomes completely predictable, our brains adapt to it, spend less mental energy on it, and thus find it less interesting.<\/p>\n

All of this is to say: it really is effective and attraction-building to wait to respond to someone\u2019s text messages. Lightning fast replies can be read as desperate (he\u2019s just waiting by his phone), and predictability dulls attraction; staggered responses, on the other hand, build anticipation and interest.<\/p>\n

But just how long do you wait? Aziz found a wide variety of responses in his interviews — everything from 1.25-5X as long as it took for the woman to respond to you. Ultimately, it probably doesn\u2019t matter exactly how long you wait, within reason. Everyone knows that most people check their phone at least semi-regularly, so waiting a day or more will strain credulity. 2X as long as it took them to respond to you is probably about right. Finally, I think it makes the most sense to wait when responding to her initial texts, but to pick up the pace once you start hashing out the time\/date to prevent the scheduling phase of the conversation from dragging on and on.<\/p>\n

Putting It All Together<\/h3>\n

So how do you incorporate the above dos and don\u2019ts into one charming, effective first text? Here are some examples:<\/p>\n

Initiating contact via text as a prelude to calling for a date:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Texting

Kyle gives Paige a ring that night, exchanges some pleasantries, and then says, \u201cYou know we were talking this morning about being homesick for Memphis. I\u2019d love to take you out to Elmer\u2019s for dinner on Friday – it\u2019s the best BBQ in town and really makes you feel like you\u2019re back in Tennessee.\u201d<\/p><\/div>\n

Initiating contact via text to ask for a date:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Texting

If you\u2019re feeling more confident, say something like, \u201cWhich night works best for you?\u201d rather than, \u201cLet me know if you\u2019re available.\u201d<\/p><\/div>\n

\"Texting

Directness? Check. Clear it\u2019s a date? Check. A little humor? Check. It also incorporates another of Ansari\u2019s recommendations: get more creative with your dates!<\/p><\/div>\n

\"Texting

Whether it\u2019s actually a date or not might be a little unclear with just an invite to go together to the show; dinner beforehand makes it clearer that it\u2019s a date.<\/p><\/div>\n

\"Texting

If you start off with a callback that\u2019s not directly connected to your ask, try to use one that might naturally lead into asking for the date.<\/p><\/div>\n

\"Texting

If you can\u2019t think of a natural callback to your last in-person interaction, just a simple, direct message works fine and dandy.<\/p><\/div>\n

Conclusion<\/h3>\n

To charmingly, effectively initiate contact with a woman via text, simply look to incorporate the 3 elements of charisma into your first message:<\/p>\n