![\"Vintage](\"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2015\/02\/backhanded-copy-e1423540547255.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
A friend of mine told me about a compliment she received the other day from a co-worker. \u201cBridget,\u201d he said to her, \u201cyou look like you\u2019ve lost a lot of weight! You\u2019ve still got a ways to go, but keep it up!\u201d<\/p>\n
The colleague clearly intended for the comment to come off as praise, but it instead had the very opposite effect. Rather than hearing \u201cCongrats on the weight loss!\u201d all my friend heard was, \u201cYou\u2019re still fat.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bridget had been the recipient of what\u2019s called a \u201cbackhanded compliment.\u201d It\u2019s a bit of praise laced with an insult — a rose with a thorn. In order to give you a better grasp of the form backhanded compliments take, I solicited examples from AoM readers on Twitter. The list they generated was both hilarious and cringe-worthy:<\/p>\n
Those who offer backhanded compliments usually don\u2019t realize they\u2019ve done so; they have good intentions and think they\u2019re giving nice, honest praise. But because of our brain\u2019s propensity to focus on the negative, the compliment given at the outset invariably gets overridden by the backhanded slap at the rear. A backhanded compliment feels little like praise, and mostly like insult.<\/p>\n
Giving compliments is a great way to build other people\u2019s confidence, as well as your rapport with them<\/a>. But if you do it wrong, you\u2019d be better off not opening your mouth at all. So below you\u2019ll find an explanation for why we\u2019re tempted to offer backhanded compliments, as well as an easy rule for checking whether or not you\u2019re about to let one fly.<\/p>\n What\u2019s the psychology behind backhanded compliments? I am the recipient of plenty myself, so I\u2019ve pondered this question from time to time, and I think the answer has to do with our endless quest for wanting to feel cool, our insecurity about our own status, and the chance to insult someone in an indirect way.<\/p>\n The Desire to Be Cool<\/strong><\/p>\n We receive letters from AoM readers all around the world, and it\u2019s been really interesting to observe differences in the tenor of expression from men in different countries.<\/p>\n One thing I\u2019ve noticed has to do with how readers from varying cultures offer compliments. Letters from Americans often start like this:<\/p>\n \u201cI have been reading your site for a long time now, and just wanted to tell you that I really enjoy most of it. I don\u2019t agree with all the articles, but I like a lot of them.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Letters from other parts of the world, especially Latin America where guys tend to be more unabashedly effusive, are often the very nicest letters we receive. They open with something like this:<\/p>\n \u201cI have been reading your site for a long time now, and I just wanted to tell you how amazing I think it is. It\u2019s truly changed my life and I cannot thank you enough for all your work.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n The first type of letter really makes me laugh and shake my head. Not because I expect everyone to like all of our articles, but because I can\u2019t believe anyone would expect that I would! I of course already assume that not everything we publish is everyone\u2019s cup of tea, and I would never assume that someone saying they liked AoM meant they liked every jot and tittle about it. I think the fact that people feel the need to spell out such a caveat is rooted in the desire to be cool, and nobody\u2019s more obsessed with coolness than Americans. We don\u2019t like to express unabashed allegiance to anything — to imply that we\u2019re all-in. That means we\u2019ve drunk the Kool-Aid and aren\u2019t our own man. Standing a little aloof flatters our conception of ourselves as critical free-thinkers.<\/p>\n Yet complimenting one thing about someone doesn\u2019t mean you appreciate everything about them, and they likely won\u2019t take your praise as wholesale affirmation either. Plus, sometimes it\u2019s okay just to admit to an unfettered admiration for someone. I\u2019m crazy about Theodore Roosevelt; that doesn\u2019t mean I like everything about him, but overall, dang, I really love that man.<\/p>\n Fear of Loss of Status<\/strong><\/p>\n Many of us have a deeply rooted, subconscious fear of people being better than us. In elevating another, even for a moment, we feel it somehow diminishes ourselves. So we want to tuck a little barb into our praise; if one part of our compliment raises someone up a little, the other part will bring them right back down to where they were.<\/p>\n But, you ask, is that always a bad thing? Isn\u2019t offering some criticism healthy and needed in our award-happy society? It surely is, but a compliment is not a critique! More accurately, while a critique can and should start and end with a compliment, praise that\u2019s meant to be praise should be devoid of criticism.<\/p>\nWhy Do People Offer Backhanded Compliments?<\/h3>\n