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Loving relationships are the most important factor<\/a> in a man\u2019s happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life.<\/p>\n And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication.<\/p>\n Unfortunately, how to communicate with one\u2019s significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. Yelling, sarcasm, insults, and name-calling undermine trust. This kind of pejorative communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their issues together. What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what you\u2019re even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved.<\/p>\n In contrast, couples who know how to discuss their disagreements in a healthy way are able to nip problems in the bud before they turn into big, relationship-ending issues. The key to this kind of positive interaction is what the authors of Couple Skills<\/em><\/a> call \u201cclean communication.\u201d Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (hereafter referred to as MFP) define clean communication as \u201ctaking responsibility for the impact of what you say.” By being more intentional about their communication techniques and leaving out rhetoric that wounds one\u2019s partner and creates defensiveness, a couple creates a safe place in which to honestly and respectfully work through their differences.<\/p>\n What are the principles of clean communication? MFP lay out 10 \u201ccommandments\u201d to follow when you\u2019re talking with your significant other. While the focus of this post is communication in a romantic relationship, much of this also applies to personal interactions in all areas of your life.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re having a heated argument with your significant other, it can be very tempting to level a real zinger at them \u2013 to use words and putdowns you know will wound them and push their buttons. Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. They accomplish this mission \u2013 but at the expense of trust and intimacy.<\/p>\n There are two ways to criticize someone \u2013 you can critique their character<\/em> or their behavior<\/em>. In criticizing behavior, you\u2019re calling out something specific<\/em> and temporary<\/em> \u2013 something the person can realistically change. But in assailing someone\u2019s very identity, you\u2019re issuing a global label \u2013 a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they don\u2019t just do bad stuff, they are a bad person<\/em>.<\/p>\n Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when you\u2019re angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: \u201cWe wouldn\u2019t have this problem if you weren\u2019t so selfish.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n But blanket condemnations of your partner\u2019s character are anathema to a loving relationship. They will make her feel hurt and defensive, greatly hindering any chance of communication. Global labels also make your partner feel helpless \u2013 if the problem is rooted in their very identity\/personality, changing will seem impossible to them. They\u2019re liable to answer: \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but this is the way I am!\u201d<\/em> Thus, in using global labels you wash your hands of any responsibility for the problem, while at the same time, your partner will feel unable and unwilling to do anything about it either\u2026not a recipe for effective conflict resolution!<\/p>\n Here are some examples of global labels, and how they could be better rendered as specific critiques of behavior<\/em> instead of character<\/em>:<\/p>\n As MFP put it, “the essence of a ‘you’ message is simply this: ‘I’m in pain and you did it to me.’ And there’s usually this subtext: ‘You were bad and wrong for doing it to me.’\u201d When people slight us, it may be true that they are <\/em>entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. This doesn\u2019t mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way \u2013 couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain.<\/p>\n To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize \u201cI\u201d \u2013 how you feel when your partner does certain things. Here are some examples:<\/p>\n When you\u2019re addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls \u201ccloset-fighting\u201d — i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. When we closet-fight, MFP write, “The message is: ‘You’re bad, you’re bad, you\u2019re bad. You’ve always had this flaw, and it’s not getting any better.'” While talking about your history together may be useful when you\u2019re both calm<\/em>, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as \u201canger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.\u201d<\/p>\n Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. Plus, your partner will likely be hurt that you\u2019re still holding onto something she thought you\u2019d forgiven her for, and you both will feel like your relationship isn\u2019t progressing. It\u2019s hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie.<\/p>\n Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. We oftentimes want to think we\u2019ve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear \u201cyou\u2019re just like your dad\u201d feels like a punch to the gut. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we don\u2019t stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that you\u2019ve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously.<\/p>\n MFP write that \u201cthe basic message of a threat is: you’re bad and I’m going to punish you.” It\u2019s a way of trying to compel desired behavior, but since it shuts down the whole discussion, even if it works in the short term, the underlying issue will remain unresolved. If your partner complies, she\u2019ll only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat, and if she doesn\u2019t, the argument is going to escalate and\/or keep reoccurring.<\/p>\n There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after<\/em> you\u2019ve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. Too often people resort to a threat as an easy way to resolve things, and will even drop the D word to scare their spouse into compliance.<\/p>\n An \u201cor else\u201d statement shouldn\u2019t be thrown around, and it shouldn\u2019t be punitive. That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but don\u2019t do so in a way that\u2019s specifically designed to punish your partner. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other won\u2019t budge on giving her blessing, you might say, \u201cI\u2019m going to start spending every Saturday morning with them,\u201d and then follow through on that action. A punitive ultimatum, on the other hand, would be something like deciding to skip out on a concert you agreed to attend with her, in order to do something with your buddies.<\/p>\n Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesn\u2019t guarantee it if you just aren\u2019t right for each other.<\/p>\n Your demeanor can truly be wielded like a weapon. When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm.<\/p>\n As you discuss what\u2019s bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. \u201cIn so doing,\u201d MFP write, \u201cyour partner can hear what you\u2019re feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it.\u201d Here are some examples:<\/p>\n Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how we\u2019re actually feeling. You may tell your significant other that you\u2019re not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. They\u2019ll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start.<\/p>\n To keep things amicable, adopt an open, rather than closed posture. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show you’re listening.<\/p>\n Oftentimes, you may think you\u2019re getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. They hear something much different than you intended. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads<\/em>. But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a slice of that bigger picture \u2013 a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by our partner.<\/p>\n To avoid this, strive to deliver \u201cwhole messages\u201d when speaking with your significant other. Whole messages consist of 4 parts:<\/p>\n Here\u2019s an example of a whole message:<\/p>\n \u201cWe haven\u2019t been spending as much time together [Observation<\/em>]. It seems like you\u2019ve been busier, and I don\u2019t know if that\u2019s just because your classes are hard this semester or you just haven\u2019t been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts<\/em>]. I\u2019ve been feeling distant from you and confused about the status of our relationship [Feelings<\/em>]. I\u2019d like for us to be more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs<\/em>].\u201d<\/p>\n Just as a partial message can be misconstrued, so too can a \u201ccontaminated\u201d message. This occurs when you mix some of the 4 elements together or \u201cmislabel\u201d them in order to disguise your real intent. Your partner might say, \u201cHmmm, that\u2019s an interesting<\/em> way to do it,\u201d when they really mean, \u201cYou\u2019re doing it wrong.\u201d Or for example, you might say to your wife, \u201cAnd here you are finally, late as usual.\u201d You\u2019re pretending to make a straightforward observation, but you\u2019re really mixing in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. It would be better to say, \u201cI\u2019ve been waiting here for 20 minutes. It seems like you struggle to be on time. When I\u2019m left waiting I end up feeling frustrated and disrespected. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?\u201d<\/p>\n MFP note that one \u201ceffective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question\u201d:<\/p>\n The questioner adopts the posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; they\u2019re really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partner\u2019s choice. To be honest, it seems like women do this more than men (sorry ladies), perhaps because they\u2019re often less comfortable being assertive.<\/p>\n Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. Your partner either will not be sure what you\u2019re driving at, or will take umbrage at your not simply saying what you mean. Give it to \u2018em straight, and give it to \u2018em cleanly.<\/p>\n ________________________<\/p>\n Source:<\/i><\/p>\nThe 10 Commandments of Clean Communication<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n
1. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms.<\/h3>\n
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2. Avoid \u201cglobal\u201d labels.<\/h3>\n
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3. Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation.<\/h3>\n
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4. Avoid old history.<\/h3>\n
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5. Avoid negative comparisons.<\/h3>\n
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6. Avoid threats.<\/h3>\n
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7. Describe <\/em>your feelings rather than attack <\/em>with them.<\/h3>\n
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8. Keep body language open and receptive.<\/h3>\n
9. Use whole messages.<\/h3>\n
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10. Use clear messages.<\/h3>\n
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