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This article series is now available as a professionally formatted, distraction free ebook to read offline at your leisure. Click here to buy.<\/a> <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n For the last few weeks we\u2019ve been talking about the three components of personal charisma. First we explored the importance of Presence<\/a> \u2013 giving people your full attention. Then we covered Power<\/a> \u2013 demonstrating confidence that you can affect the world around you. Today we will discuss the last element of magnetism: Warmth.<\/p>\n When you emanate Warmth people see you as being approachable, caring, and empathetic. When they\u2019re around you they feel comfortable and at ease. Warmth fulfills the basic human need to be understood, acknowledged, and taken care of — a need rooted in our very being all the way from childhood. Warmth is your mom handing you a cup of hot chocolate as you come inside from playing in the snow or smoothing your hair and giving you medicine as you lie sick in bed. Warmth is your dad pulling you into a bear hug when you show him the A+ on your test. Even though we grow up, leave the nest, and try to be independent, deep down we all still want to feel cared for, accepted, \u201cat home.\u201d<\/p>\n Just like Power and Presence, Warmth is essential for balancing the other elements and also cannot produce true magnetism on its own. A man with Power but not Warmth will come off as cold, arrogant, and aloof. A man with Warmth but not Power will be perceived as weak, eager to please, and desperate for approval. A drip.<\/p>\n Of all the elements of charisma, I think Warmth is the hardest to fake. It\u2019s not too hard to convince people you\u2019re present with them (even when your mind is wandering a bit), nor to act like a guy who\u2019s got it together when you\u2019re really still working towards that goal. But people are pretty good at sniffing out fake Warmth, and in fact have a natural tendency to positively recoil when they think you\u2019re offering the counterfeit variety.<\/p>\n Warmth backfires when people can tell you\u2019re offering it for one reason and one reason only: to get something from them. Hence our distaste for salesmen who lay the Warmth on thick for the sake of trying to close the deal. It\u2019s not that you shouldn\u2019t want things from other people; pretty much the whole point of charisma is to influence others to do something, whether that\u2019s getting them to buy a product, go on a date, or serve a cause with passion. Rather, it\u2019s simply that influencing them can\u2019t be your only<\/i> motive.<\/p>\n For Warmth to come off as genuine it must be rooted in something deeper than a purely selfish motive. It must spring from your own contentment with life and a real empathy and curiosity about other people. A man of real Warmth enjoys getting to know folks from all walks of life; he conveys the sense that even if he doesn\u2019t get from them what he was looking for, he\u2019d still judge the interaction to have been worthwhile. A man of real Warmth is one who feels that crossing paths with another person is never a true waste.<\/p>\n To be truly effective in creating personal magnetism, the outward behaviors that communicate Warmth to others must arise from that most powerful but ineffable quality: a genuinely good heart. Thus, the foundation for charismatic Warmth begins at your core.<\/p>\n There are two main ways to develop your inner warmth:<\/p>\n Practice gratitude. <\/b>A grateful heart is a happy heart. Studies have shown again and again that people who practice gratitude on a daily basis are happier and more optimistic than folks who don\u2019t.<\/p>\n To cultivate your gratitude, make it a practice to write down what you\u2019re grateful for every day. Better yet, use the George Bailey Technique.<\/a> As you become a more grateful man, your ability to put your problems into perspective will grow, leading to a sense of relaxed contentment that radiates to other people and puts them at ease.<\/p>\n <\/a> I\u2019ll admit that developing empathy isn\u2019t easy. <\/b>You witness forehead-slapping rudeness in public or read the semi-literate vitriol spewed in comments on YouTube and it\u2019s easy to grow pretty cynical about the state of the human race. Here are some ways to soften that cynicism and develop greater empathy for your fellow humans:<\/p>\n The more you develop your empathy, the more you realize that everybody has hard stuff in their life that they\u2019re grappling with, and the more you’ll want to become an oasis for other people \u2013 someone who lightens their burden by making them feel understood, safe, and rejuvenated even in the briefest of interactions.<\/p>\n When you emanate Warmth people see you as being approachable, caring, and empathetic. When they\u2019re around you they feel comfortable, understood, and taken care of. But a man who has Warmth but not Power will seem desperate and too eager to please.<\/p><\/div>\n So if Warmth is hard to fake, and must be developed from within, what role do outward behaviors play?<\/p>\n First, it\u2019s possible to have a good heart but be terrible at conveying this kindness to others. You may not even be aware that you\u2019re coming off as aloof to others, since you think of yourself as a good dude. It\u2019s important to not only have inner warmth, but to be able to communicate this warmth to those around you.<\/p>\n Second, acting warm outwardly enhances how warm you feel inwardly. It\u2019s a virtuous cycle: you act warmly towards others, so you feel warm inside, which makes you act more warmly, and so on. In fact, acting warmly will develop your inner warmth more quickly and effectively than thinking your way to empathy ever will. Don\u2019t wait until you feel like an empathetic person before you start acting like it. By acting, you become. Work on both your behavior and mindset at the same time \u2013 they go hand in hand.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re worried about coming off as fake by acting warmly before you feel it inside, don\u2019t be. As long as you at least have a good motive for your interactions you\u2019ll be fine. The following behaviors, unless you do them awkwardly or exaggeratedly, are very easy to pull off quite naturally. They\u2019re small ways to simply put your best foot forward with people. And if they do come off as stilted the very first time you try them, well, don\u2019t worry about that either \u2013 you\u2019ve got to start somewhere! Once you kick off the virtuous charismatic Warmth cycle, it\u2019s just a matter of time before it registers as wholly genuine.<\/p>\n Think of yourself as the host.<\/b> When you have people over to your house, what do you do? Hopefully you look for ways to make them feel comfortable in your home. Bring this same mentality to all your interactions. When you think of yourself as the host in every situation, figuring out what to do to put others at ease will come more naturally.<\/p>\n Lead with a sincere compliment. <\/b>Nothing can strengthen a good relationship or melt the ice in a bad one like a sincere compliment. Sadly, we have a tendency to be pretty stingy with our kindly words. To learn how and why to give an effective compliment, check out the post we wrote last year on the subject<\/a>. It\u2019s not a bad idea to brush up on how to best accept a compliment<\/a>, too.<\/p>\n Put more warmth in your voice.<\/b> Our voice conveys emotion not only through the words we speak, but the tone and pitch we use. We communicate anger with a loud, harsh tone and we communicate kindness and warmth with a softer, richer tone. An easy way to imbue warmth into your voice is to simply smile when you speak. Instantaneous warmth. This tip is especially useful for when you\u2019re talking to someone on the phone. Without body language and facial expressions at your disposal, your voice is your only tool to communicate Warmth.<\/p>\n Mirror their body language. <\/b>Research has shown that by simply mirroring a person\u2019s body language and manner of speaking, they\u2019ll trust you and find you more attractive. Psychologists speculate that mirroring creates limbic resonance between two individuals, making them more empathetic to one another.<\/p>\n The key to mirroring body language is to not make it too obvious. Don\u2019t match your conversation partner tic for tic, but if they speak softly, bring your own voice down a notch; if they lean back in their chair, lean back just a bit too. Another tactic to make mirroring look less obvious is to let a few seconds lapse before you move into a mirrored position.<\/p>\n Author Olivia Fox Cabane notes in The Charisma Myth<\/i><\/a> <\/i>that there are instances when mirroring body language can have the opposite effect. The most obvious one is when the other person is angry. Mirroring an angry person\u2019s angry body language and tone of voice will just make them angrier. When you\u2019re dealing with an angry or defensive person, Cabane suggests using a bit of psychological jiu-jitsu to get the person in a state where they\u2019ll be more receptive to your Warmth-inducing techniques:<\/p>\n \u201cRather than mirroring, try breaking him out of his posture by handing him something: a piece of paper or a pen \u2014 whatever works. And then, as soon as he\u2019s in a new position, distract him by giving him new information or changing the subject while you mirror his posture to reestablish rapport.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Manipulative? I don\u2019t think so. You\u2019re just using solid social skills to get someone in a better frame of mind.<\/p>\n Relax your posture. <\/b>While an erect posture creates the perception of power and confidence, it can also make you seem stiff, cold, and haughty in certain situations. When you\u2019re trying to create Warmth, relax your posture a bit. Instead of throwing your shoulders back and sticking your chest out, let your shoulders, back, and chest assume a natural, comfortable position. The goal is to look like an affable and approachable everyday-Joe instead of a regal king.<\/p>\n Open up your body. <\/b>Besides relaxing your posture, using \u201copen body language\u201d will also help you communicate Warmth to others. Instead of crossing your arms across your body, keep them by your side; instead of crossing your legs, leave them open; instead of having a desk or podium between you and the other person, remove barriers. You get the idea.<\/p>\n Give them your \u201ckind\u201d eyes.<\/b> Kate often describes people as having \u201ckind eyes.\u201d It\u2019s a gaze that some people give that makes others feel warm, accepted, and understood. I had a church leader when I was in high school who had \u201ckind eyes,\u201d and yet the man was a beast. Despite being in his 50s, he could bench 350+ lbs and looked like he could rip your head off. But, he had the kindest eyes. Even when you felt like the world was falling down around you, he\u2019d look at you and you\u2019d instantly feel like everything was going to be okay.<\/p>\n Eyes are the window to your soul, and kind eyes are rooted in the goodness of your heart. But there is also a way to enhance the kindness of your eyes to make sure your inner warmth is shining through.<\/p>\n You do it by switching to a softer focus. Instead of squinting and staring a person down like you\u2019re about to punch them, relax your face and open up your focus. If your face feels relaxed around your eyes, you likely have achieved \u201ckind eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n Smile, damnit. <\/b>Smiling is an easy way to not only convey Warmth to others, but also feel warm and fuzzy yourself, which helps you in conveying Warmth. The charismatic cycle!<\/p>\n Studies show that smiling, even when you don\u2019t actually feel happy, will instantly make you feel happier. It\u2019s one of those instances when psychology follows physiology. So to help put yourself in a Warmth mindset, go ahead and grin.<\/p>\n Besides making you feel good, your smile makes you more attractive and approachable to others. Research has shown that people who smile more are rated as more attractive than those who don\u2019t. Psychologists and anthropologists also speculate that smiling is a way for us to signify to others that we have good intentions.<\/p>\n Also, as mentioned above, smiling can help you sound warmer. Studies have shown that individuals can discern who is smiling while speaking just by listening to the sound of their voice.<\/p>\n Anticipate needs<\/b>. Giving someone something they might need without them having to ask shows that you\u2019re thinking about them. \u201cI put together this graph for you. I thought it might be helpful for your presentation tomorrow.\u201d \u201cI knew you\u2019d be up all night studying, so I brought you this pack of 5-hour Energy.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s getting cold out here, would you like to wear my jacket?\u201d<\/p>\n Offer something warm to drink. <\/b>Warm drinks give people warm feelings \u2013 seriously<\/a>! Take advantage of this psychological quirk by offering people coffee or a mug of hot chocolate to generate Warmth towards you. This may explain why coffee shops are a great place for first dates and business meetings<\/a>.<\/p>\n Give a good handshake. <\/b>Touch is one of the best ways we can generate Warmth in another person. You want to respect people\u2019s personal space though, and not touch them a ton right off the bat (the rules are a little different when you\u2019re trying to flirt, but that\u2019s another post). That only really gives you the handshake as a chance to make skin-to-skin contact. So make it a good one<\/a>!<\/p>\n To give your handshake an extra boost of Warmth, extend your index finger onto the inside of the person\u2019s wrist as you clasp hands. Some communication experts believe that by touching someone\u2019s pulse point as you shake hands, they will feel more connected to you.<\/p>\n Give people a chance to let you know the effort they put into something.<\/b> Everyone\u2019s got a mini martyr inside. We want people to acknowledge the trouble we went through to do something, but it isn\u2019t polite to detail it. So invite someone to tell you by asking questions that let them talk about it. For example, if someone has flown in to see you, ask things like, \u201cDid you have to wake up really early to catch the flight? Was there a lot of turbulence? Any delays?\u201d<\/p>\n Make them feel comfortable<\/b>. People are eternally grateful for the person who saves them from standing awkwardly alone. One of the best ways to show warmth is to introduce people to those you are with<\/a> and invite them into the conversation. Also, be able to carry the burden of a conversation in any situation by becoming a master of small talk<\/a>. People love having someone over to a gathering who they know will keep the conversation going.<\/p>\n Remember dates, anniversaries, and details<\/b>. It\u2019s amazing how far simply remembering someone\u2019s birthday will go with people. And I don\u2019t mean simply adding to the herd of well wishes on someone\u2019s Facebook wall. Send a card or even an email \u2013 take it as a chance not only to wish them happy birthday but to say hello and ask how they are. Ditto for other anniversaries and milestones.<\/p>\n Another easy way to convey Warmth is by remembering the details \u2013 starting with a person\u2019s name<\/a> (and their kids\u2019 names as well). \u201cHow is little Gus? Has he started preschool yet?\u201d<\/p>\n Give thoughtful gifts.<\/b> No, gift cards don\u2019t count. Doesn\u2019t have to be big stuff \u2013 just things that show you pay attention to them. When people mention things they like or are interested in, file these ideas away in your head (or in Evernote!). They\u2019ll be delighted six months later when you say, \u201cI know you mentioned awhile back that you collect vintage men\u2019s magazines. I saw a box full of them when I was at a garage sale and picked it up for you.\u201d<\/p>\n Take care of things.<\/b> If someone has a problem and you can take care of it for them, do so. If they have a question, but you don\u2019t know the answer, say, \u201cI don\u2019t know, but I\u2019ll find out for you.\u201d If they have a problem you can assist with yourself, lend a hand. \u201cI know you\u2019ve been having problems with the moles in your yard. I\u2019ll come over and set one of my traps and see if we can catch \u2018em.\u201d<\/p>\n Remember, conveying Warmth isn\u2019t about being a pushover. But if you have both the time and expertise to take care of something for a friend, do what you can to take at least one thing off his mind.<\/p>\n Ask for help. <\/b>Ironically, it isn\u2019t just helping others that builds Warmth, but getting helped yourself. <\/b>When Ben Franklin was a state legislator in Pennsylvania, there was a rival legislator that had badmouthed Franklin in a speech. Franklin understood that if he was to get anything done during his term, he’d have to work with this guy. To get in this grumpy gentleman’s good graces, Franklin did something really counter-intuitive — he asked his rival for a favor.<\/p>\n Franklin recounts what happened in his autobiography:<\/p>\n \u201cHaving heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favor of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I returned it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favor. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n From this experience, Franklin coined the maxim: “He that has once done you a Kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”<\/p>\n Franklin had unwittingly discovered the psychological power of cognitive dissonance to change people’s minds. Our brains don’t like disagreement between our actions and beliefs. If we do a favor for somebody we don’t particularly like, it creates “dissonance” in our brain. To counteract that, our brain shifts our attitude towards the person we dislike. “Hmmm\u2026 I did something nice for this guy. I guess I do like him.”<\/p>\n If you want folks to have warm feelings towards you, use the Ben Franklin Effect. Ask for a small favor and reap charismatic Warmth.<\/p>\n Be liberal with the thank you note<\/b>. It\u2019s possible to convey Warmth even when you\u2019re not around someone, and sending a thank you note is one of the best ways to do that. There\u2019s never a bad time to write a thank you note. They tell people you noticed and took the time to acknowledge something worthy they did or are. Write them by hand and follow this guide<\/a>. Warmth in an envelope.<\/p>\n We hope you enjoyed this series on how to develop personal charisma. Charisma isn\u2019t something you\u2019re born with \u2013 it\u2019s something you work to cultivate — and we hope we have provided you with the tools to do so. You\u2019ll need to practice the recommended behaviors until they become natural. As you do so, you will learn how to balance and mix the three elements to produce the most magnetic effect possible.<\/p>\n Charisma is a neutral trait \u2013 it can be used for either good or ill. Use yours both for enjoyment \u2013 for drawing people to you when you enter a party and for making friends — and for worthy endeavors as well, like getting people to sign on to fight in a worthy cause. Both professionally and socially, charisma can open many doors for you that might have been otherwise closed.<\/p>\n If there\u2019s one thing to take away from this series, it\u2019s the importance of the \u201cact-to-become\u201d principle. Our modern culture is often obsessed with the idea of \u201cauthenticity\u201d (even though when pressed, they\u2019re probably not sure what it means), and the idea of acting in a way you might not really be feeling is criticized as fake or manipulative. But the best way to change your feelings is to first change your behavior \u2013 and this is even true for manhood<\/a>. I came across a great quote from W.H. Auden on this subject just last week:<\/p>\n \u201cHuman beings are by nature actors, who cannot become something until first they have pretended to be it. They are therefore not to be divided into the hypocritical and the sincere, but into the sane, who know they are acting, and the mad who do not.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Men who intentionally cultivate their charisma are not fake nor manipulative, just realistic. Doing whatever comes naturally is given a lot of lip service these days, but it won\u2019t actually get you far in life — always seeking to intentionally put your best foot forward will.<\/p>\n Tomorrow we\u2019ll offer a little addendum to this series \u2013 providing a case study from the novel Tender Is the Night<\/i><\/a> in what charisma looks like when all its elements are masterfully combined. So stay tuned for that. And we\u2019ll revisit some different aspects of charisma in the future. Until then, stay man-netic.<\/p>\nThe Real McCoy<\/b><\/h3>\n
Developing Warmth Within<\/b><\/h3>\n
\nDevelop your empathy. <\/b>Teddy Roosevelt called empathy \u201cfellow-feeling\u201d and argued that it was the most important factor for a healthy political and social life. It\u2019s also an important factor in developing charismatic Warmth. People want to feel understood, and empathy is what allows us to put ourselves in their shoes and feel what they feel.<\/p>\n\n
Conveying Warmth To Others<\/b><\/h3>\n
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Charisma Series Conclusion<\/b><\/h3>\n
Listen to my podcast with Olivia Fox Cabane about charisma:<\/em><\/h3>\n