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Getting married and having kids are some of the biggest events in our lives. And yet we largely slide into these significant turning points. Sure, there is a big event accompanying them \u2013 the wedding, the birth \u2013 but what\u2019s surprising is how quickly the novel and disruptive becomes the ordinary and everyday. Even though you form a new family unit, you usually don\u2019t have to give it much thought beyond keeping it generally functioning from day to day.<\/p>\n
For this reason, you may never have contemplated the question of why<\/i>. Why get married? Why have a family? The importance of each individual having a clear purpose is often stressed these days, but few of us will travel this life alone. We\u2019ll make our way through the world as part of a family. Thus it is not enough to know your own purpose — who you are and where you are going. You must also determine the purpose of your family unit. Why does it exist, what does it stand for, and where are you going, together<\/i>?<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ve never taken the time to answer these questions, or even contemplated them, it\u2019s time to draft a family mission statement.<\/p>\n
\u201cA family mission statement is a combined, unified expression from all family members of what your family is all about — what it is you really want to do and be — and the principles you choose to govern your family life.\u201d -Stephen Covey<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
A mission statement is just what it sounds like \u2013 a description of an individual\u2019s, company\u2019s, or, a family\u2019s, raison d’\u00eatre \u2013 its reason for existing. A family mission statement encapsulates your idea of the good life and lays out your family\u2019s purpose, goals, and standards. All members of the family have a hand in articulating these values and all agree to live them.<\/p>\n
Companies often use mission statements to direct their decisions and operating procedures, but their utility is even greater for families. After all, instead of manufacturing widgets, you\u2019re molding children, making memories, and constructing the very best stuff out of which life is made.<\/p>\n
Why Should You Create a Family Mission Statement?<\/b><\/h3>\n
As we talked about in our first post in this series on creating a positive family culture<\/a>, loving, supportive, outstanding families don\u2019t just happen. They take a lot of intentionality<\/i>.<\/p>\n
As a man you probably have a deep desire to be a provider<\/i>, and this is a role that extends far beyond the conventional definition of simply bringing home a paycheck<\/a>. If we look at the etymology of the word \u201cprovide,\u201d we learn that it actually means “to look ahead, to act with foresight.” In other words, being a provider means having a vision.<\/i><\/p>\n
It\u2019s often the case that a father only finds reason to think about his family\u2019s values and what he wants his family to be like after<\/i> something has gone wrong. By then it\u2019s usually too late \u2013 things have already begun to unravel, and it will take much more time and effort to right the ship.<\/p>\n
The best time to begin creating a family culture is as early as possible (like right now!) \u2013 when things are still fine (but you want them to be even better). A family mission statement lays out a vision for your family of where you want to go together and how you want to get there. It provides a path and guideposts pointing the way ahead and illuminating the curves and bumps along the way. \u201cWithout this vision,\u201d Stephen Covey argues in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families<\/a><\/i>, \u201ckids can be swept along with the flow of society’s values and trends. It’s simply living out the scripts that have been given to you. In fact, it’s really not living at all; it’s being lived.”<\/p>\n
Having a shared vision \u2013 a shared sense of values and purpose \u2013 bonds parents and children together. It guides your parenting decisions and offers your children clear ideals to strive for and guidance in what choices to make. A mission statement also articulates the standards by which each member of the family can evaluate each other\u2019s behavior, and children and parents will ideally check and encourage one another as they make their way down this agreed upon path.<\/p>\n
Yet another benefit is that a family mission statement serves to distinguish your family from others \u2013 providing its members a sense of meaning and identity and giving your children the feeling of being part of something important and special.<\/p>\n
How to Create a Family Mission Statement<\/span><\/b><\/h3>\n
Before You Start: Understand the Process Is More Important Than the End Product<\/b><\/h3>\n
Before you start thinking about your family mission statement, decide together that you won\u2019t get hung up on whether it “sounds good” or “looks right.” In reality, the end product isn’t as important as the process \u2013 this task of creating your family mission statement is where the real magic happens.<\/p>\n
During the drafting process you’ll have a chance to have deep, meaningful conversations with your wife and kiddos about what’s really important in life.<\/p>\n
You’ll have a chance to bond and connect as a family as you empathetically listen to each other.<\/p>\n
As you share your vision for your family with your wife and children as well as the values and principles you think should guide the family, their confidence in you as a husband and father will increase. And vice versa, your confidence in your family will increase as you hear them share their ideas.<\/p>\n
Simply having the discussion about values and principles as a family will guide your children to start thinking about these things in their daily lives, which, in my opinion is a big win itself.<\/p>\n
So as you work through the steps outlined below, don’t get discouraged if you think it’s taking too long or isn’t going exactly how you wanted. In those moments when you feel like giving up and retreating back into default mode, just focus on the process. Remember, the important thing is that you’re intentionally starting a conversation on what it means for your family to live the good life. This is a life-long, multi-generational discussion. Don’t get discouraged by a single bad family mission statement meeting.<\/p>\n
Step 1: Call a Special Family Meeting<\/b><\/h3>\n
While your role is to initiate and guide the process of drafting your family\u2019s mission statement, every member of the family should have a say and be part of its creation. So the first step in creating a family mission statement is to hold a family meeting where everyone can take part in the discussion.<\/p>\n
Covey recommends making these meetings special occasions. Maybe you can take a family vacation and set aside a day to brainstorm a family mission statement. You don’t even have to go far from home. Rent a hotel room nearby, order pizza, get everyone in their PJs, and start the discussion. The key is to make the occasion different from any other “family meeting” or night of the week.<\/p>\n
Kate and I like to go camping at a nearby state or national park for our family mission statement pow-wows. We’ve been doing it at least once a year since we’ve been married, and I can still remember each of the conversations we had during these trips. Our most recent one was at the Ouachita National Forest in southeast Oklahoma. We spent the day hiking, but then spent the evening by the fire talking about what kind of family culture we wanted. There’s something about the crackling fire and poking burning embers with your poke-stick that stirs deep thoughts.<\/p>\n
\nFamily Mission Statement Meeting Guidelines<\/b><\/p>\n
To ensure a positive and productive family mission statement meeting, keep in mind the following guidelines:<\/p>\n
Make sure everyone gets a say. <\/b>As the family leader, don’t let a single person monopolize the discussion. Make sure everyone has a say. Remember, where there’s no involvement, there’s no commitment.<\/p>\n
Listen empathetically. <\/b>Even if you think your six-year-old is just spouting off weird six-year-old-things like “Our family loves pizza!”, really focus on listening to them. Kids, like any other human, want to feel like their contributions matter. If you don’t have kids and it’s just you and your wife doing this exercise, really pay attention to what she has to say about what she imagines the family being like. You may discover that while you’re on the same page on most things, you might be in completely different books on other matters.
\n<\/b><\/p>\nWrite things down. <\/b>Make sure someone is capturing all the ideas that get spit out during your family mission statement jam session. You’ll need to review the notes when you actually sit down to write out the statement. If you have older kids who can write, elect one of them to act as scribe and write down ideas on a dry erase board or easel pad so everyone can see. If those aren’t available, create a special “Family Mission Statement Journal” to capture ideas.<\/p>\n
You don’t have to do this in one sitting. <\/b>The last thing you want to do is to turn creating a family mission statement into a chore that your kids find unbearable. Having a marathon mission statement meeting will do that, especially if the kids are younger. Remember, the process is the most important thing, and you don’t have to crank out a completed family mission statement in one sitting! It\u2019s okay to take it slow.<\/p>\n
If you have younger kids (4-10 years old) try to keep your meetings between 15 and 30 minutes; if they’re older than 10, 30-45 minute sessions are probably best. If you have toddlers (18 months to 3 years old) you may consider waiting until they\u2019re older before they take part in the family mission statement meeting. If you want to include them, don’t worry if there are interruptions, and try to explain to them what’s going on in terms they can understand.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Step 2: Ask Questions and Discuss What Your Family Is All About<\/b><\/h3>\n
Once you’ve got everyone gathered, it’s time to start talking about what your family’s mission is. As mentioned above, this is probably the most important part of the process. This is your chance to communicate with your children about your values and hear what they want their family to be like.<\/p>\n
The easiest way to get ideas going for your mission statement is to ask questions that will foster a healthy discussion. Here are some suggested questions from The<\/i> 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families<\/i> to help you do that:<\/p>\n
Questions to Ask for Families of Two<\/i><\/b><\/i><\/p>\n
Even if you don’t have children, that doesn’t mean you can’t (or shouldn’t) create a family mission statement. If you’re newly married, I think the exercise can be immensely beneficial. Marriages are made up of two different people who have different ideas or scripts on how a family “should” work. Maybe your wife comes from a family where both husband and wife are expected to contribute to household chores, while your family split tasks along more traditional gender lines. Or maybe your family rarely vacationed and never left the state when they did, while she comes from a family of globetrotters and can\u2019t wait to take your future kids on their first trip to Europe.<\/p>\n
If you want to avoid conflict early on in your marriage, you and your wife need to get on the same page when it comes to values, goals, and role expectations. Creating a family mission statement will help you do just that. Instead of living by the family scripts you saw as a child, you and your wife can create your own.<\/p>\n
Below are some questions geared towards families of two to help you figure out what sort of family culture you want to create together:<\/p>\n
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- What kind of marriage partners do we want to be?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What is the purpose of our marriage?<\/i><\/li>\n
- How do we want to treat each other?<\/i><\/li>\n
- How do we want to resolve our differences?<\/i><\/li>\n
- How can we both support each other in our respective goals?<\/i><\/li>\n
- How do we want to handle finances?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What kind of parents do we want to be?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What principles do we want to teach our children to help them prepare for adulthood and lead responsible, caring lives?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What roles will each of us have?<\/i><\/li>\n
- How can we best relate to each other’s families?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What traditions do we bring with us from the families in which we were raised?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What traditions do want to keep and create?<\/i><\/li>\n
- How do we want to give back?<\/i><\/li>\n
- Are there things from our respective family histories that we’re happy or unhappy with? How can we change them if we’re unhappy?<\/i><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Questions to Ask for Families of Three or More<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n
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- What is the purpose of our family?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What kind of family do we want to be?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What kinds of things do we want to do?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What kind of feeling do we want to have in our home?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What kind of home would you like to invite your friends to?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What embarrasses you about our family?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What makes you want to come home?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What do we want to be remembered by?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What kind of relationships do we want to have with one another?<\/i><\/li>\n
- How do we want to treat one another and speak to one another?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What things are truly important to us as a family?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What are the unique talents, gifts, and abilities of family members?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What are our responsibilities as family members?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow?<\/i><\/li>\n
- Who are our heroes? What it is about them that we like and would like to emulate?<\/i><\/li>\n
- What families inspire us and why do we admire them?<\/i><\/li>\n
- How can we contribute to society as a family and become more service-oriented?<\/i><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Step 3: Make a List of Your Family’s Core Values<\/b><\/h3>\n
After you discuss and write down answers to the questions above, generate a list of your family\u2019s values. You shouldn\u2019t create a list of values you think you \u201cshould\u201d have. These days with so many of us having a public, online identities in addition to our \u201creal\u201d lives, it can be hard to shake the feeling that you have an audience watching whatever you\u2019re creating. Even if you have no intention of sharing your mission statement on Facebook, you may unconsciously try to create one you think others would \u201clike\u201d and be impressed by. But as author and business consultant Jim Collins argues, \u201cIf you come at this whole thing as \u2018we should have value X\u2019 and you don\u2019t, the process will fail.\u201d<\/p>\n
Instead of imagining what you think other people would approve of, or what you\u2019re \u201csupposed\u201d to value as a family, focus on those values and principles that truly resonate and inspire every member of your<\/i> family. But how do you know if a value is really \u201ccore\u201d to your family? Collins sets this standard:<\/p>\n
\u201cA core value is something so central you would say, \u2018Even if it\u2019s harmful to us, we would still hold on to this value. Even if we had to pay penalties, even if we had to punish our children for violating it, even if we had to deny them something that would bring them pleasure, we would still hold to it.\u2019\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Make your list of values as big as you want \u2013 you\u2019ll pare it down later. Here are some ideas to jog your thoughts:<\/p>\n
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- Adventure<\/li>\n
- Creativity<\/li>\n
- Discipline<\/li>\n
- Education<\/li>\n
- Faith<\/li>\n
- Fun<\/li>\n
- Health<\/li>\n
- Honesty<\/li>\n
- Humor<\/li>\n
- God<\/li>\n
- Integrity<\/li>\n
- Kindness<\/li>\n
- Service<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Step 4: Think of Phrases that Capture What Your Family Is All About<\/b><\/h3>\n
In addition to coming up with a list of values and principles that guide your family, Bruce Feiler, author of The Secrets of Happy Families<\/a>, <\/i>suggests brainstorming a list of phrases that really capture the goals and mission of your family. For example, Sean Covey’s (Stephen Covey\u2019s son) family chose a line from the animated film Meet the Robinsons <\/i>that captures their goal as a family: “Keep Moving Forward.”<\/p>\n
Feiler\u2019s family chose, “May your first word be adventure and your last word love,\u201d as one of their catchphrases (I really like that one).<\/p>\n
Your phrases can come from books, movies, poems, or speeches. Or they can be catchphrases you completely make up yourselves.<\/p>\n
As die hard Friday Night Lights <\/i>fans<\/a>, Kate and I picked Coach Eric Taylor’s famous “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” saying as one of the McKay family\u2019s maxims. We even put that motto in vinyl lettering above the door out to the garage (a moral reminder!<\/a>) so we see it when leaving the house.<\/p>\n
Listen to my podcast with Bruce Feiler:<\/em><\/h3>\n