{"id":3546,"date":"2009-06-17T19:09:13","date_gmt":"2009-06-18T00:09:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/artofmanliness.com\/?p=3546"},"modified":"2021-09-27T15:15:32","modified_gmt":"2021-09-27T20:15:32","slug":"30-days-to-a-better-man-day-18-find-your-n-u-t-s","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/character\/self-improvement\/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-18-find-your-n-u-t-s\/","title":{"rendered":"30 Days to a Better Man Day 18: Find Your N.U.T.s"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s note: You’ve probably noticed that Wayne Levine has become a regular contributor to AoM; he writes the “Ask Wayne” column that runs on the site every other Thursday. You probably also have noticed that in his columns, he often refers to knowing your N.U.T.s. I figured it would be beneficial for readers to know more about what N.U.T.s are and that coming up with our own would make an excellent task for our 30 Days project. So I asked Wayne to take over Day 18, and he graciously obliged.<\/em><\/p>\n

This exercise fits nicely into the project, as it builds on our first task, which was to find our core values. Your N.U.T.s are the specific and concrete terms that spring from those general core values. For example is one of your core values is fitness, then something like “I will workout 6 times a week no matter what” might be one of your N.U.T.s. Wayne will explain more…..<\/em><\/p>\n

One of the most important challenges facing every good man who wants to be better is to know exactly what he\u2019s committed to. Without a clear understanding of what is acceptable and what is not, a man is untethered, and likely to find himself down a path of compromise, resentment and despair. So, what\u2019s a better man to do? Find his N.U.T.s and maintain a firm grasp.<\/p>\n

N.U.T.s are your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms<\/em><\/strong>. N.U.T.s are the things you\u2019re committed to, the things that matter more than anything else: your kids, your career, your primary relationships, yourself, your purpose, your spiritual practice, your hobbies, your integrity, your morals and your psychological well-being.<\/p>\n

N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define you as man, those things which, if repeatedly compromised, will gradually\u2014but assuredly\u2014turn you into a pissed-off, resentful man who will likely blame others\u2014especially your wife\u2014for your unhappiness.<\/p>\n

Your N.U.T.s are uniquely yours. They reflect who you are as a man and the man you want to be. Compromise your N.U.T.s, and you\u2019ll compromise yourself. Compromise yourself too often, and you\u2019ll become an extremely unhappy man, husband and father.<\/p>\n

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Sample N.U.T.s<\/strong><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a short list of Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms provided by the men of our BetterMen<\/em> Community<\/em>.<\/a> These will give you an idea of the N.U.T.s which men, like you, have developed for themselves in their efforts to be the men they\u2019ve always wanted to be.<\/p>\n

I am faithful to my wife.<\/p>\n

I say what I want.<\/p>\n

Compassion for my family trumps my need to be right.<\/p>\n

I replace doubt with acts of faith.<\/p>\n

I am a risk taker.<\/p>\n

I devote at least three hours a week to my writing.<\/p>\n

I will only seek validation from the men.<\/p>\n

I live in accordance with my religious faith.<\/p>\n

I do what I believe is in the best interest of my kids, even if they disagree.<\/p>\n

My commitment to my children comes before everything else.<\/p>\n

I do not ask for permission.<\/p>\n

Fear does not keep me from taking risks.<\/p>\n

I do not indulge my addictions.<\/p>\n

I am a man of my word\u2014period!<\/p>\n

I take my problems to men, not to women.<\/p>\n

I do not show anger to my elderly mother.<\/p>\n

I do not tolerate my wife\u2019s attempts to belittle me.<\/p>\n

When name-calling begins, the discussion is over.<\/p>\n

I spend time with the men.<\/p>\n

I have my own private office\/space some place in my house.<\/p>\n

I exercise regularly.<\/p>\n

I do whatever it takes to keep my family in our home.<\/p>\n

I ask for help when I\u2019m not being the man I want to be.<\/p>\n

I speak my mind in spite of my fear of confrontation.<\/p>\n

I honor my daily spiritual practice.<\/p>\n

I welcome feedback.<\/p>\n

I only apologize when it\u2019s appropriate, not simply to please others.<\/p>\n

I do not hide out at work just to avoid issues at home.<\/p>\n

I decide how I interact with my boys.<\/p>\n

I choose which of my friendships to maintain.<\/p>\n

I do not sell out who I am to placate others.<\/p>\n

I share my men\u2019s work with the men in my life.<\/p>\n

I do as I see fit.<\/p>\n

This list is here simply to inspire you. Maybe some of these N.U.T.s resonate with you. If so, use them and make them your own.<\/p>\n

Can you imagine the transformation in your life and relationships if you were this clear about your terms? Can you see how much easier it would be for you make decisions? Do you understand how you owning your N.U.T.s makes it so much easier for those around you to rely upon you and respect you?<\/p>\n

Finding Your N.U.T.s<\/strong><\/p>\n

Understanding the importance of finding and never compromising your N.U.T.s\u2014your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms\u2014is the most important thing you, as a man, will do. Once you find your N.U.T.s, never forget them and never compromise them.<\/p>\n

Some men find their N.U.T.s over time, while others sit down and make a list. Either way, here are some of the questions you\u2019ll want to ask yourself:<\/p>\n