{"id":34704,"date":"2013-07-15T21:56:03","date_gmt":"2013-07-16T02:56:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=34704"},"modified":"2026-03-13T10:56:54","modified_gmt":"2026-03-13T15:56:54","slug":"how-to-accept-a-compliment-with-class","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/relationships\/social-skills\/how-to-accept-a-compliment-with-class\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Accept a Compliment With Class"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Vintage<\/p>\n

You hand someone a gift and they eagerly tear off the wrapping paper and lift the lid on the box. But as they pick up and examine the present tucked inside, their smile quickly fades. \u201cYou know, this watch really isn\u2019t right for me. Here, you can have it back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ouch. Such behavior is so uncommon you may (thankfully) never have witnessed it or done it yourself. Yet the majority of us regularly do something very similar when it comes to accepting another kind of \u201cgift\u201d: compliments.<\/p>\n

Even though we should all be offering more compliments<\/a>, many of us struggle to do so. And yet graciously accepting compliments can be a challenge as well. We\u2019re eager to get them and so pleased when we do, but then we utterly fumble their receipt. Instead of accepting compliments with pleasure and appreciation, we look for ways to downgrade, reject, and deflect their significance and value.<\/p>\n

Learning how to best take a compliment is pretty easy (even if changing an ingrained behavior takes some practice). You simply have to understand 1) how you dismiss compliments, 2) why you have trouble accepting them outright, and 3) why and how you can graciously acknowledge and accept the praise of others.<\/p>\n

10 Ways Compliments Are Dismissed<\/b><\/h3>\n

Sociolinguists place compliment responses into 3 main categories: Accept, Deflect, and Reject. These categories represent a spectrum, and most people aren\u2019t comfortable at either extreme; outright denial seems rude, but full acceptance feels conceited. Thus, most people seek what seems like a safe middle ground, choosing a deflecting response that dilutes and mitigates the compliment. They see compliments as hot potatoes that need to be tossed on as soon as they land in their hands.<\/p>\n

In The Assertiveness Workbook<\/a><\/i>, Randy Paterson lists some of the different ways we reject and deflect compliments, to which we\u2019ve added a few we\u2019ve observed ourselves:<\/p>\n

1. Ignore<\/b><\/p>\n

The recipient ignores the compliment, either because he didn\u2019t hear it, or because he doesn\u2019t recognize that he\u2019s being complimented.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cYou played crazy good today \u2014 you were all over the court.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cYeah, I\u2019m really thirsty. Let\u2019s stop for some Gatorade on the way home.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

2. Denial<\/b><\/p>\n

The recipient denies the compliment outright.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cYou guys sounded so good tonight.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cYeah right. We sounded like total crap.\u201d  <\/i><\/p>\n

3. Arguing<\/b><\/p>\n

The recipient of the compliment argues against his deserving the given praise.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cThat was a really profound insight you brought up in class.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cNot really. Anyone who had read the previous cases would have come to the same conclusion.\u201d <\/i><\/p>\n

4. Self-Insult<\/b><\/p>\n

The receiver downplays the praise by offering self-deprecating remarks.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cThat\u2019s a really spiffy hat.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cWell I need something to draw attention from my ugly mug!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

5. Questioning<\/b><\/p>\n

The receiver questions the giver\u2019s judgment, taste, etc. in offering the compliment.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cYour photography is definitely the best exhibit here.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cAre you kidding? You must not have gone to very many art shows in your life.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

6. Narrowing<\/b><\/p>\n

The receiver whittles down a broader compliment into a smaller one.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cYou\u2019re looking really dashing tonight.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cThis tie can make any suit look good.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

7. Boomerang<\/b><\/p>\n

In response to a compliment, the receiver fires one back.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cThat is one sweet \u2018stache!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cWell that\u2019s a heck of a manly beard you\u2019ve got there!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

8. Reassurance<\/b><\/p>\n

The receiver has trouble accepting the compliment and seeks confirmation.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cYour speech was incredibly convincing.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cDo you really think so? I felt like I was floundering out there.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

9. De-Value<\/b><\/p>\n

The recipient suggests that the thing being complimented isn\u2019t as great as the complimenter is suggesting.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cThat\u2019s a really handsome sweater.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cIt\u2019s so old. I\u2019ve had it since high school.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

10. Credit Transfer<\/b><\/p>\n

The recipient transfers the praise to others.<\/p>\n

Compliment: \u201cI think that was the best dance we\u2019ve ever had.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Response: \u201cIt was really Jill who did all the work and made it happen.\u201d <\/i><\/p>\n

Why We Deflect Compliments<\/b><\/h3>\n

Paterson gives the following reasons for why people struggle to fully accept a compliment, to which we\u2019ve again added a couple additional reasons that also think bear mentioning:<\/p>\n

Fear of being seen as conceited.<\/b> This is by far the most common reason people deflect a compliment. They worry that by agreeing with someone else\u2019s praise of them, they are essentially praising themselves and thus being smug.<\/p>\n

The need to restore \u201cbalance.\u201d<\/b> Since a compliment is a positive act, you may feel a psychological need to balance things out by either negating the praise through deflection, or by quickly returning the compliment.<\/p>\n

The desire to avoid \u201cindebtedness.\u201d<\/b> This is the worry that if someone does something nice for you like offering a compliment, you will then \u201cowe\u201d them something nice in return and will thus be indebted to them in some way.<\/p>\n

Having low self-esteem.<\/b> If someone says something nice about you that you don\u2019t believe about yourself, your immediate reaction will be to deny or disbelieve it. You can\u2019t integrate the complimenter\u2019s positive view of you into your own negative one, so you look for ways to find their assessment faulty, i.e., they missed the mistakes you made or they don\u2019t have good judgment.<\/p>\n

Inability to be assertive.<\/b> Guys who struggle with being assertive<\/a> often find accepting compliments to be a struggle. They have a hard time taking ownership of their positive qualities and feel like acknowledging praise isn\u2019t something a \u201cnice guy\u201d would do.<\/p>\n

Suspicion of motives.<\/b> You may reject someone\u2019s compliments if you\u2019re suspicious that they\u2019re just trying to flatter you and butter you up for some reason. This suspicion may be legitimate or it may come from an overly cynical worldview and be rooted in trust issues.<\/p>\n

Desire to look even better.<\/b> People will sometimes use false modesty as a way of trying to make themselves look even better. For example, Bob compliments Jake on giving a top-notch presentation, and Jake, who actually spent a few dozen hours preparing it, says, \u201cOh, it was just something I threw together.\u201d Now Bob is thinking, \u201cWow, if he just threw that together, imagine what he could do if he spent a lot of time on something!\u201d Alternatively, someone may seek to add modesty to the other qualities they\u2019re being complimented on. So Mike tells Andy, \u201cI really appreciate how thorough you made this report.\u201d To which Andy responds, \u201cIt was nothing. Just doing my job.\u201d Andy may want Mike to think, \u201cHe\u2019s not only a diligent employee, but so humble to boot!\u201d<\/p>\n

Why You Should Graciously and Fully Accept Compliments<\/b><\/h3>\n

Sociolinguists have found that Americans respond to compliments with a deflecting response a whopping two-thirds of the time. While this kind of response may be popular, it\u2019s not very smart or even polite. This is an area where you should definitely try to break the mold of the mainstream. Here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n

Denial and deflection insults the giver.<\/b> When someone offers you a compliment, they\u2019re saying that they\u2019ve observed and assessed a praiseworthy quality in you. When you deflect or deny that praise, you\u2019re basically contradicting them; you\u2019re saying that they don\u2019t have good judgment, discernment, or taste, or that they\u2019re insincere \u2014 that they don\u2019t know what they\u2019re talking about. You\u2019re returning their kind words with an insult.<\/p>\n

Denial and deflection make the giver feel uncomfortable.<\/b> When we dismiss a compliment because it makes us uncomfortable, we simply transfer that discomfort to the giver. Not only do you insult them, but as Paterson puts it, rejecting a compliment often makes the giver feel \u201cawkward, uncomfortable, stupid, or frustrated.\u201d Where do they go from there? They\u2019re now stuck with the tiresome task of offering reassurance of their sincerity . . . \u201dNo I really do think so . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

Be a man and eat the discomfort yourself instead of tossing it back like a hot potato.<\/p>\n

Denial and deflection decrease the likelihood of someone complimenting you again.<\/b> When you always wave off people’s compliments, eventually they won\u2019t bother to offer them at all anymore.<\/p>\n

Denial and deflection diminishes your value.<\/b> A compliment shows that someone sees value in you. When you dismiss those compliments you\u2019re telling them that either you do not have the qualities they thought you did, or that you\u2019re so insecure you can\u2019t even recognize and\/or acknowledge that you do. Either way, it diminishes your value in their eyes. This makes you unattractive to the ladies who like a man to be confident. It also isn\u2019t impressive to your employer. If you\u2019re always telling your boss that so-and-so is really the one who deserves all the credit for the success on a project, why should they give you a raise or even keep you around?<\/p>\n

You lose out on the good feeling that comes with a compliment.<\/b> Getting a nice compliment can make you feel great. But when you deflect and devalue the compliment instead of absorbing it, you also deflect the positive boost it could have given your self-esteem.<\/p>\n

Boomerang compliments aren\u2019t usually sincere.<\/b> You may think that always responding to a compliment with one of your own is polite, but it\u2019s not. A boomerang compliment signals that instead of listening<\/i> to and absorbing someone\u2019s praise, you were busy formulating your own compliment. And because people know it\u2019s a knee-jerk behavior that\u2019s designed to mitigate your own discomfort, that it\u2019s more about you<\/i> than it is about them, <\/i>it doesn\u2019t register as sincere. It\u2019s far better to offer your own compliment at another, appropriate time, so that it comes off as spontaneous and authentic, rather than coerced. There are exceptions to this rule, of course (see below).<\/p>\n

How to Accept a Compliment<\/b><\/h3>\n

The first step in quitting the faux modesty of the compliment deflection routine is to realize that fully accepting compliments does not make you conceited. You didn\u2019t come up with the praise yourself, someone else did! You\u2019re just confirming another person\u2019s assessment, and again, it\u2019s more polite to accept and appreciate their judgment rather than to contradict it.<\/p>\n

Second, it\u2019s okay to let yourself feel proud of something you did well. A little pride need not involve an inflated sense of your accomplishments or worthy qualities \u2014 just an honest assessment of what you did. It\u2019s quite possible to be modest, while still being grateful and gracious.<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s the best response to a compliment? Get ready for it . . . “Thank you<\/strong>.<\/i>” That\u2019s it. There\u2019s never a situation where a simple, unadorned thank you won\u2019t work.<\/p>\n

That being said, sometimes it\u2019s more comfortable and quite appropriate to offer a follow-up to your \u201cthank you,\u201d or an amplifier that shows just how much the compliment meant to you.<\/p>\n

Appropriate follow-ups to \u201cThank you\u201d:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • \u201cI really enjoyed it.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m glad it worked out so well.\u201d If you feel uncomfortable just leaving it at \u201cthank you,\u201d try a neutral follow-up statement.<\/li>\n
  • \u201cIt couldn\u2019t have happened without Jason\u2019s help.\u201d Now, giving a knee-jerk response in which you deny all credit to yourself and transfer it to others is faux modesty. But, when other people really do deserve some credit for the things you\u2019re being praised for, it\u2019s appropriate to mention those folks, after <\/i>accepting credit for your own role.<\/li>\n
  • \u201cI am happy I could help.\u201d This is a good alternative to the \u201cJust doing my job\u201d deflection. Maybe you were just doing your job, but don\u2019t rebuff and deny someone\u2019s desire to show their appreciation for you. Instead, offer a \u201cthank you\u201d and tell them you\u2019re happy you could be of assistance.<\/li>\n
  • “You know, you also played great tonight; nice job!\u201d The boomerang compliment can be appropriate when it’s truly sincere \u2014 praise you would have given anyway \u2014 and especially when you won’t see the person again (this is often the case in competition situations). Just be sure to offer your compliment after you\u2019ve fully accepted the one you\u2019ve been given.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    If a compliment is particularly heartwarming or special to you, there\u2019s nothing wrong with following up your \u201cthank you\u201d with an amplifier that tells the giver what the compliment means to you, how it makes you feel, or why you value it:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • \u201cThat really means a lot.\u201d<\/li>\n
    • \u201cI really appreciate you noticing that. No one ever has before.\u201d<\/li>\n
    • \u201cI was feeling really down and this is just the encouragement I need to keep going.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      Now go forward and offer many more compliments to others and acknowledge and accept the ones that come your way with class!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      You hand someone a gift and they eagerly tear off the wrapping paper and lift the lid on the box. But as they pick up and examine the present tucked inside, their smile quickly fades. \u201cYou know, this watch really isn\u2019t right for me. Here, you can have it back.\u201d Ouch. Such behavior is so […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":49355,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,42285,42293],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-34704","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-relationships","category-social-skills"],"featured_image_urls":{"large":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2013\/07\/compliment-498x280.jpg","reactor-320":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2013\/07\/compliment-320x200.jpg","rpwe-thumbnail":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2013\/07\/compliment-45x45.jpg"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34704","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34704"}],"version-history":[{"count":21,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34704\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":139496,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34704\/revisions\/139496"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/49355"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34704"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34704"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34704"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=34704"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}