\u201cYou have a right to ask for the things you need in a relationship. In fact, you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to be clear about your needs. You are the expert on yourself. No one else, not even your partner, can read your mind and know what you need in the way of support, intimate contact, time alone, domestic order, independence, sex, love, financial security, and so on.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
So if articulating your needs isn\u2019t something you\u2019ve felt comfortable doing, how do you start going about it? And how do you do it in a way that doesn\u2019t create defensiveness and anger, and offers the best chance of your partner being willing to listen and fulfill that need?<\/p>\n
MFP offer a really helpful \u201cneeds script\u201d to follow when initiating this kind of sensitive conversation. Obviously, it\u2019s not a word-for-word script \u2013 what you say will vary greatly according to your relationship and personal situation. Instead, it offers a very simple template for communicating your needs in a healthy and productive way. However, if expressing your needs is something you really struggle with, you may actually find it helpful to write out your \u201cscript\u201d beforehand. You don\u2019t need to read it to your partner, but putting down your thoughts on paper can help you prepare. That way, in the heat of the moment, you don\u2019t fall into old traps of passiveness or aggressiveness and can instead navigate the healthy middle path of assertiveness<\/i>.<\/p>\nThe Needs Script<\/b><\/h3>\n
Situation (specific, objective description of facts).<\/b> Start off the conversation by offering a straightforward description of the situation you want to address. Leave out analysis, interpretation, and inflammatory or accusatory language \u2013 try to make it as specific, impersonal, and objective as possible.<\/p>\n\n- Our relationship has really sucked lately.<\/span> We\u2019ve been fighting a lot more than usual these last few weeks.<\/li>\n
- Our bedroom looks like a bomb went off.<\/span> There are a lot of clothes on our bedroom floor.<\/li>\n
- Your spending is out of control.<\/span> We\u2019re $300 over our budget this month.<\/li>\n
- I\u2019m going crazy in this sexless marriage.<\/span> We haven\u2019t had sex in two months.<\/li>\n
- I\u2019m always stuck at home and never get to see my friends anymore<\/span>. I haven\u2019t been out with my friends since the baby came.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Feelings (non-blaming “I” statements).<\/b> When you tell your partner what you\u2019re feeling, you need to be careful to not vent or explode in a vague, accusatory way (\u201cI\u2019m angry\/stressed\/upset and you\u2019re to blame!\u201d) which may feel cathartic, but isn\u2019t actually productive. In order to keep the conversation as a problem-solving discussion rather than a heated argument, you want to accurately convey the nature, intensity, and cause of your feelings. So before you begin the conversation, you\u2019ll want to have honed in as much as possible to the specifics of what you\u2019ve been feeling. Once you\u2019ve identified the broad feeling that first comes to mind (angry, upset, hurt, etc.), MFP suggests narrowing down its nature and focus with these modifiers:<\/p>\n\n- Definition.<\/i> First, make your broad feeling more specific by adding some synonyms. When you say angry, do you mean angry and stressed, or angry and irritated? Or are you really more confused or disappointed than mad? When you say you\u2019re upset, are you upset and disappointed, or upset and depressed? The more specific descriptors you can use to describe how you\u2019re feeling, the better.<\/li>\n
- Intensity.<\/i> Add modifiers that accurately convey the intensity of your feelings. Have you been feeling a little resentful or a lot? Slightly discouraged or majorly depressed? Be honest here.<\/li>\n
- Duration<\/i>. How long have you been feeling this way? Have you been stressed since you lost your job or ever since you got married? Have you felt irritated for weeks or for days?<\/li>\n
- Cause and Context.<\/i> You want to avoid naming your partner as the cause of your feelings, no matter how tempting, and even if their actions really have been the catalyst. Blame begets defensiveness, not communication. What will result is a fight that doesn\u2019t end up addressing the real problem whatsoever. Instead, try to communicate the cause of your feelings in the form of their impersonal context, and describe your own feelings rather than those of the other person. You can accomplish this by using \u201cI\u201d statements rather than \u201cyou\u201d accusations.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
\n- Your clinginess is making me feel suffocated.<\/span> I miss seeing my friends.<\/li>\n
- Your nagging is driving me crazy<\/span>. Getting numerous reminders about doing something makes me feel patronized.<\/li>\n
- You\u2019re such a slob<\/span>. I feel frustrated when there are things all over the floor.<\/li>\n
- You\u2019ve really been bringing me down<\/span>. I have been feeling depressed and unhappy lately.<\/li>\n
- Getting this overdraft notice makes me feel like you\u2019re not competent enough to handle our finances.<\/span> I get really worried about our finances when I see an overdraft notice arrive in the mail.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Request (for behavior change).<\/b> MFP spell this part of the script out well: \u201cAsk for a change in behavior only. This is a very important rule. Don\u2019t expect your partner to change his or her values, attitudes, desires, motivations, or feelings. These characteristics are very hard to change. It\u2019s like asking someone to be taller or more intelligent. People feel personally threatened if you ask them to change intangibles that are seen as part of their very nature and beyond their conscious control. For example, what does it mean to ask someone to be \u2018more loving\u2019 or \u2018less critical\u2019 or \u2018neater\u2019? These kinds of requests are heard as attacks, and little real change is likely to result.\u201d<\/p>\n
MFP counsels that instead of going after someone\u2019s \u201ccore\u201d attributes, and having them react defensively, stick with making a request that they modify a specific, observable behavior<\/i>.<\/p>\n\n- I want you to be neater<\/span>. I would really like it if you could put your dirty dishes away in the dishwasher and close the cabinets after you take stuff out of them.<\/li>\n
- I want you to be less critical of me.<\/span> I would appreciate it if you didn\u2019t make jokes about me being out of work in front of your parents.<\/li>\n
- I want you to be more loving.<\/span> It would mean a lot to me if you gave me a kiss when I came home from work and asked me how my day was.<\/li>\n
- I wish you were up for sex more often<\/span>. I know we\u2019re both crazy busy, but I\u2019d like us to commit to trying to have sex at least once a week, even if that means scheduling it.<\/li>\n
- You need to be less clingy<\/span>. I want to hang out with my friends at least once a month.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
When you make your request, only tackle one situation and 1 or 2 observable behavior changes at a time. You don\u2019t want to overwhelm your partner \u2013 she\u2019ll just shut down. Pick small changes that will make her feel like, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s reasonable. I can do that.\u201d See if your partner follows through on those changes. If she does, then bring up something else to work on down the line.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s a full example of how the \u201cneeds script\u201d might go:<\/p>\n
Situation<\/i>. Ever since the baby came, we\u2019ve both really had our hands full. We haven\u2019t gone out together alone in months.<\/p>\n
Feelings<\/i>. I feel like we\u2019ve become more platonic roommates than lovers. I\u2019ve been feeling really disconnected from you.<\/p>\n
Request<\/i>. I know you\u2019re worried about leaving the baby with a babysitter, but I\u2019d like to try it once, just for a couple of hours, to see how it goes.<\/p>\nOther Things to Keep in Mind<\/b><\/h3>\n
Keep your tone as calm and level as possible.<\/b> Don\u2019t let anger or annoyance creep into your voice \u2013 using even a slightly heated, annoyed, accusatory, or patronizing tone can escalate things into an unproductive argument.<\/p>\n
Pick a time when your partner can give you their full attention.<\/b> Don\u2019t start the conversation while your wife is holding a crying baby or your girlfriend is about to find out whodunit at the end of Law & Order<\/i>. You don\u2019t want their annoyance about the circumstances to color how they receive your request. Select a time when they\u2019re in a good mood and ready to listen.<\/p>\n
Start out by expressing a small need, rather than a large, contentious one, especially if your relationship has been struggling.<\/b> Once you start meeting each other\u2019s needs successfully, you\u2019ll be in a better position to tackle more polarizing problems.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t feel like having to ask for something makes it less valuable.<\/b> It\u2019s easy to fall into the trap of believing that your partner should know what you need without you having to say anything \u2013 that if they really loved you and knew you, or weren\u2019t so selfish, they would just naturally do it. You might then feel that a change in their behavior is somehow less \u201creal\u201d or valuable if you had to ask for it. \u201cYou\u2019re just doing it because I told you I liked that, not because you really want to.\u201d<\/p>\n
But people, even those in the closest of relationships, think and see the world differently. Something may seem obvious to you, but simply not occur to them \u2013 not because of some character defect or lack of love — but because they are simply a different person with a different brain than you. Instead of seeing their inability to anticipate your needs on their own as a flaw, accept your differences. And instead of seeing behavior changes you directly asked for as less valuable, appreciate the way they\u2019re willing to meet that need, even if it doesn\u2019t come naturally. It\u2019s just as worthy as a gesture of love and commitment, if not more so.
\n<\/b><\/p>\n
Communicating needs is not a one-way street.<\/b> Hopefully this is obvious, but asking someone to meet your needs is not a unilateral process. Encourage your partner to make her needs known as well, and do your best to listen to, understand, and try to meet those needs when you can. In a healthy relationship, both partners are eager to try to do what they can to make the other person happy.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re on the receiving end of a needs request, one of the most important things to do is to try to accept the other person\u2019s \u201cquirks.\u201d<\/b> You may not understand why she likes things done in a certain way, or how something that can seem so trivial to you can be so important to her, but you have quirks, too, that she finds equally hard to grasp. The more you can compromise and accommodate each other\u2019s unique, but not-so-onerous needs, even without necessarily understanding them, the happier you\u2019ll be.<\/p>\n
You have a right to ask, but that doesn\u2019t mean your needs will always be met.<\/b> Your partner and kids have needs too, and their needs may conflict with yours. Making your needs known is not about issuing an ultimatum, but about open communication, compromise, and cooperation. Maybe your stay-at-home wife doesn\u2019t feel like she can clean the house more consistently, but is willing to stop going out to eat on the weekends and use the saved money to hire a housekeeper. Maybe she isn\u2019t up for all of your sexual fantasies, but is willing to try a few new things. Maybe she isn\u2019t willing to give up her Wednesday night running club so you can go to a shooting class with your buddy, but is willing to watch the kids all Saturday afternoon so you can play golf with him. Even if you don\u2019t come up with the exact solution you had hoped for, being open about your needs will make you a happier, less angry husband or boyfriend.<\/p>\n
If your partner is unwilling to compromise or cooperate with you in any way, you have a choice in how to proceed. You can:<\/p>\n
\n- Try to put this one refusal in perspective with all the good things she does offer and bring to the relationship. Is the issue such a big deal in the big picture? If not, you express your disappointment and work to understand why you can\u2019t meet on this issue, but ultimately accept her position. Ask if you can re-open the discussion at another time.<\/li>\n
- Utilize a self-care alternative. MFP suggests having a \u201cself-care alternative\u201d in mind when possible in case your partner can\u2019t or won\u2019t meet your needs. For example, if you want to pursue more independent interests, but your partner doesn\u2019t give any ground, you might pay for and enroll in a weekly class you want to take anyway. The self-care alternative is your \u201cor else,\u201d but it\u2019s not meant to be a punitive ultimatum, simply \u201cyour plan for solving a problem if you can\u2019t get your partner\u2019s help in a preferred solution.\u201d Because while it doesn\u2019t hurt to ask, in the end, it\u2019s not other people who are ultimately responsible for meeting your needs.<\/li>\n
- If an issue is too important to you to simply accept a \u201cNo,\u201d and\/or if this refusal to meet your needs is a consistent pattern, in which you\u2019re always being walked over while giving a lot in return, you may need to end the relationship.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/p>\n
________________________<\/p>\n
Source:<\/em><\/p>\nCouple Skills<\/a> by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. This was definitely the best in the bunch. It’s written by men (one of which runs a men’s support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips. <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"As we\u2019ve discussed before, many men these days have trouble being assertive. One of the things these \u201cNice Guys\u201d struggle with is communicating their needs to others. Because they shy away from conflict, and don\u2019t want to trouble or inconvenience others, they constantly let other people\u2019s needs supersede their own, and they find it difficult […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":33308,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[218,6,42267,42285],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-33299","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-culture","category-featured","category-marriage","category-social"],"featured_image_urls":{"large":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2013\/05\/coulpletalking-copy-500x280.jpg","aom":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2013\/05\/coulpletalking-copy-372x230.jpg","reactor-320":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2013\/05\/coulpletalking-copy-320x252.jpg"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33299","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33299"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33299\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/33308"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33299"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33299"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33299"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=33299"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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