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Every year, roughly 15% of the population of America relocates. If we expand that to a five-year period, that number balloons to 40%. Most moves are within about 50 miles, but one-fifth of those relocaters change states.<\/p>\n
My wife (Jane) and I moved from Des Moines, Iowa to Denver, Colorado about 10 months ago. We are just now starting to find our groove socially. I don\u2019t have hard evidence, but I know anecdotally from speaking with a variety of people that it takes roughly that amount of time in a new place to truly find your bearings and start to build a new circle of friends. That may seem like a short amount of time in the long run, and it is, but in the moment it can feel quite lonely. Beginning in the 1950s, sociologists began to delve into friendship theory. They came to the idea that true friendship relies heavily on three main conditions. Some people nowadays are beginning to refute this theory as our world grows evermore digital, but I believe they remain as true today as they were 60 years ago.<\/p>\n Proximity<\/b>: Being physically <\/i>close to people for extended periods of time naturally lends itself to friendship. Again, some people try to refute this as not as necessary in today\u2019s world. However, think about your high school or college friends once you moved away. It got much harder to truly stay in touch, and you likely drifted from most of them. Yes, you can see what they\u2019re up to on Facebook, but if you don\u2019t correspond regularly are you really friends?<\/p>\n Repeated & Unplanned Interactions<\/b>: This means bumping into Jake at the local coffee shop in the morning, or catching up with Will and his wife at church on a Sunday morning. These aren\u2019t planned get-togethers; these are times when your paths cross randomly throughout town. Obviously, this is much trickier post-college. You can help this, though, by choosing to do your shopping, dining, exercise, etc. within your neighborhood. This increases the chances of running into people over and over again, and perhaps making new friends.<\/p>\n A Setting That Encourages Vulnerability<\/b>: Vulnerability here means people being able to let their guard down and truly be who they are. When you first meet people, no matter the environment, they tend to be cautious. They won\u2019t let their sense of humor show, they won\u2019t talk too much about their personal lives, etc. People are more likely to open up when you have a small backyard BBQ versus just meeting up at your local trivia night every week. It\u2019s in smaller and more personal settings that friendship grows.<\/p>\n We don\u2019t know how to do it<\/b>. In school, no matter the level, the three keys listed above come naturally to the environment. You\u2019re around roughly the same people, nearly 24\/7, for 4+ years. Once we\u2019re out and we\u2019ve moved away, we realize we don\u2019t really know how to be intentional about creating those environments that lend themselves to friendship. We have to learn that it takes action to get out of the house and meet people. We also have to learn how to make plans and follow through, as those unplanned interactions from college will occur less and less. Those are things that won\u2019t necessarily come naturally, because they haven\u2019t had to.<\/p>\n Priorities change<\/b>. Humans use friendship to fill certain emotional needs. A great New York Times<\/i> article<\/a> puts it like this:<\/p>\n \u201cPeople have an internal alarm clock that goes off at big life events, like turning 30. It reminds them that time horizons are shrinking, so it is a point to pull back on exploration and concentrate on the here and now. \u2018You tend to focus on what is most emotionally important to you,\u2019 she [Laura Carstensen, Stanford Center on Longevity] said, \u2018so you\u2019re not interested in going to that cocktail party, you\u2019re interested in spending time with your kids.\u2019\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n If you can get emotional fulfillment from your family, you won\u2019t look for it as much elsewhere. So there comes a point where we stop even trying to make friends and end up thinking we can be content interacting only with the people in our household. This happened with me and Jane for a little while, but we realized we didn\u2019t want to be hermits. There comes a time when you\u2019ll crave some sort of social interaction beyond your spouse and kids.<\/p>\n Being a couple makes it more complex<\/b>. As people \u201ccouple up,\u201d the challenge of making real friends increases. Not only do you have to like someone, but, ideally, so does your spouse. If you\u2019re making friends with another couple, the difficulty is magnified even more. Does each person like each member of the other couple? At times, you\u2019ll likely have to compromise a little bit.<\/p>\n Having children makes it more complex<\/b>. Children not only take away some of that previous social time you once had, it can create uncomfortable and forced friendships. If the kids get along, the parents can feel like they have to get along too. As comedian Louis C.K. riffed: \u201cI spend whole days with people, I\u2019m like, I never would have hung out with you, I didn\u2019t choose you. Our children chose each other. Based on no criteria, by the way. They\u2019re the same size.\u201d<\/p>\n We become pickier.<\/b> With less time and emotional need for friends, we may start to set the bar incredibly high as to whether someone is worth trying to get to know better or not. We expect to share a whole lot in common with them, and want the kind of deep connection we had with friends in our younger years. But what\u2019s interesting is that if you look back on many of the buddies you had in high school and college, what you realize is that if you hadn\u2019t met during that time, and had that much automatic proximity contact, you probably wouldn\u2019t have become friends otherwise; they weren\u2019t the kind of person you would have picked out in a different situation to befriend. Because you got thrown together, you became pals. So even if you don\u2019t feel like someone has the potential to be your bosom buddy right off the bat, give them a chance.<\/p>\n We simply give up<\/b>. Maybe you\u2019ve gone above and beyond and really put yourself out there and had no return whatsoever on your friend-investment. Just as with dating, not every relationship is going to take off. You can expect some friendships to just sort of wither away over time, or even in some cases be outright \u201cdumped.\u201d It doesn\u2019t mean you have to give up, though, and accept, as the NYT put it, that \u201cthe period for making B.F.F.\u2019s, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It\u2019s time to resign yourself to situational friends: K.O.F.\u2019s (kind of friends) \u2014 for now.\u201d Friendships are too important an ingredient in our well-being; you just have to keep trying.<\/p>\n With the above in mind, here are some ideas to get you started making new friends in your new city. These ideas are a combination of a case study of our own experience here in Denver as well as plenty of research from books and articles on the subject.<\/p>\n Introduce yourself to your neighbors<\/b>. We can have hundreds of Facebook friends and yet not know the names of the people who physically live right next to us. That has to change. Your first foray into making friends should be introducing yourself to your neighbors. Bring over a cake, a six-pack, anything to literally get your foot in the door. You\u2019ll want to meet them anyway, as you\u2019ll likely need to borrow something or get some basic information about the neighborhood. Jane and I just bought a house a few months ago, and already need to borrow a lawnmower and also find out how yard waste is handled in our area. If you don\u2019t hit it off and become great friends, that\u2019s fine, but at least you made the effort and now have someone you know next door.<\/p>\n Stick to your neighborhood as best as you can<\/b>. This is something that has been very important to me. I exercise in our neighborhood by running outside, we grocery shop here, we dine out here, we get coffee and drinks here, and we are part of a church small group here. It all lends itself to friendship, especially over the long haul, much more than spreading out all your activities. We are obviously lucky to live in a place that we can do all this within a three-mile radius, so you\u2019ll have to adjust based on your own surroundings. It\u2019s something to consider, however, when you do move to a new place.<\/p>\n Re-connect with old friends and acquaintances<\/b>. This is a good one. Whether high school or college, connect with your alumni network and you\u2019re bound to find someone in your new town that went to the same school as you, and if you\u2019re lucky, even at the same time as you. There are a few people here in Denver that Jane and I went to college with and we\u2019ve been able to reconnect. Even if you weren\u2019t really friends in school, you never know what can happen a few years down the road.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re religious, connect with a church, synagogue, etc<\/b>. Local religious organizations are one of the most sure-fire ways to meet new people and make new friends. You\u2019re automatically finding folks who probably have the same values as you. Most of our current friends have been the result of connecting at church.<\/p>\n
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\nIn this article, I set out to not only give you some ideas on how to make friends in a new place, but also to talk about the factors that lead to friendship and also some hindrances that can make finding new friends difficult once you leave college.<\/p>\nThe Three Keys to Fostering Friendship <\/b><\/h3>\n
Why Making Friends After College Is Harder <\/b><\/h3>\n
Steps You Can Take to Make Friends in Your New City <\/b><\/h3>\n