{"id":26758,"date":"2012-08-17T17:46:40","date_gmt":"2012-08-17T22:46:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/artofmanliness.com\/?p=26758"},"modified":"2026-03-13T11:02:46","modified_gmt":"2026-03-13T16:02:46","slug":"heading-out-on-your-own-day-17-essential-etiquette-for-young-men","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/relationships\/etiquette\/heading-out-on-your-own-day-17-essential-etiquette-for-young-men\/","title":{"rendered":"Essential Etiquette for Young Men"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Young<\/p>\n

This article series is now available as a professionally formatted, distraction free paperback<\/a> or ebook<\/a> to read offline at your leisure.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

In whatever society, or in whatever part of the world, a gentleman may happen to be, he always complies externally with the spirit and usages of the place\u2026 <\/ins>A gentleman always possesses a certain self-respect\u2014not indeed touching upon self-esteem, and far removed from self-conceit\u2026Indeed a gentleman, in the highest signification of the term, is a noble animal\u2026Employing in the regulation of his own conduct, the strictest standard of propriety, and in his expectations of that of others, the most lenient; cautious in accepting quarrel, more cautious in giving cause for it; lending to virtue the forms of courtesy, and borrowing from her the substance of sincerity; forming his opinions boldly, expressing them gracefully; in action, brave, in conference, gentle; always anxious to please, and always willing to be pleased; expecting from none what he would not be inclined to yield to all; giving interest to small things, whenever small things cannot be avoided, and gaining elevation from great, whenever great can be attained; valuing his own esteem too highly to be guilty of dishonor, and the esteem of others too considerately to be guilty of incivility; never violating decency, and respecting even the prejudices of honesty;\u2026full of courage, but free from ostentation; without assumption, without servility; too wise to despise trifles, but too noble ever to be degraded by them; dignified but not haughty, firm but not impracticable, learned but not pedantic; to his superiors respectful, to his equals courteous; kind to his inferiors, and wishing well to all. \u2013Richard Wells, Manners, Culture and Dress of the Best American Society<\/em>, 1894<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Manners<\/em>. Etiquette<\/em>. For some men, these words don\u2019t belong in the same breath as manliness<\/em>. For them, etiquette and manners conjure up arbitrary lists of dos and don\u2019ts, a nagging mother, or scenes of artificial formality, complete with images of bowing and scraping, the polishing of monocles, and a bunch of treacly, \u201cHow do you dos?\u201d and \u201cNo, after yous!\u201d<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t always so. Our forbearers saw no contradiction in being ruggedly manly and <\/em>a refined gentleman. For centuries, well-bred men were trained in all <\/em>the manly arts, from the skills needed to be a soldier to the proper etiquette for dinner parties. They were quintessential gentlemen\u2014dapper in dress, polite in conduct, and yet every bit a true man.<\/p>\n

George Washington, Theodore Roosevelt, and Robert E. Lee are some examples of men who combined gritty manliness with gentlemanly bearing. They paid attention to how they dressed, groomed, and conducted themselves and were as comfortable at a stately ball as they were on the battlefield. For these great men, having good manners did not make them less<\/em> of a man, but more<\/em> of one.<\/p>\n

This is because they saw good manners in the way Edward John Hardy, author of Manners Makyth Man,<\/em> defined them: as \u201clittle morals,\u201d \u201cthe shadows of virtues, if not virtues themselves.\u201d If character was the root of inner manliness, then manners were the outer fruits that sprouted from the tree \u2013 the external behaviors and code of conduct that naturally followed from a life of virtue.<\/strong> These great men understood that while it is true that the rules of etiquette change over time and from culture to culture, the underlying principles of all manners remain constant: a respect for others, and a desire to treat all people with honesty and consideration \u2013 just as you\u2019d like to be treated.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Still unconvinced? First let\u2019s take a more specific look at some misconceptions about manners, and then at the reasons you should cultivate them.<\/p>\n

What Good Manners Are Not<\/strong><\/h3>\n

A young man\u2019s negative opinion on manners sometimes springs from observing others practice them badly<\/em>. But these are not true manners, for:<\/p>\n

Good manners are not stiff, formal, or awkward.<\/strong> Good manners should come off as entirely natural. Some young men, knowing this and not wanting to seem like they\u2019re trying too hard, swing the opposite way, and try so hard to be \u201cnatural\u201d in their manners that they come off as even more contrived! Real naturalness comes from a few things:<\/p>\n