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Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Wayne M. Levine, M.A.<\/em><\/p>\n If you want a very quick take on how important this article may be to your future happiness and success as a man, honestly assess your reaction to its title.<\/p>\n What did you feel? Were you aghast? Did it offend you? Did it piss you off? Are you utterly confused? If you\u2019re this guy, you DESPERATELY need the wisdom found below.<\/p>\n Were you intrigued by the title? Did it resonate with you for some unknown reason? Did it make you smile? If you\u2019re this guy, you also DESPERATELY need this wisdom. The difference is, it may be much easier for you to take action.<\/p>\n And if it turns out that you have already taken this courageous action, terrific. You\u2019re now in a mature relationship with your mother. Good for you, and for those around you.<\/p>\n If you other good (or not so good) little boys want to feel what it\u2019s like to be a real man, a real man in your relationship with your mother\u2014and ultimately, a real man in your relationship with a significant other\u2014then pay close attention. If you follow the advice you\u2019re about to receive, you will never be the same. And that\u2019ll be a good thing!<\/p>\n We\u2019re having this conversation because something isn\u2019t working in your life. And one place you can see it manifest is in your relationship with your mother.<\/p>\n You may be in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, even 60s. But when you\u2019re visiting your mom, or having a phone conversation with her, you feel like that little boy having to obey her rules, feeling compelled to argue with her, angry as hell, or terribly sad, with how she makes you feel with her words, her \u201clooks,\u201d or the attitude you know so well.<\/p>\n You\u2019re nodding your head. Your stomach is tightening. Your breathing has become a bit shallow. Do you know why? Well, we\u2019re talking about you and your pain. You have felt it for years. Your girlfriends, wife, buddies, and kids have seen what happens to you when you\u2019re in the presence of your \u201cmommy.\u201d What the hell is going on?<\/p>\n Here is where the wisdom begins. Take a deep breath. You can change what\u2019s going on between your ears, and that will change your relationship with your mother, and that<\/em> will change everything for you as a man.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re with your mother, or just having thoughts or a discussion about her, and you find yourself angry, resentful, sad, withdrawn, irritable, silent, withholding, stubborn, argumentative<\/em>, or just numb<\/em>, you are what many of us guys in the men\u2019s biz would call \u201cnot in your power.\u201d You know when you\u2019re not in your power. You can feel it. You just might not have ever labeled it. You\u2019re not in your power when you feel weak, stuck, paralyzed, victimized, and in the problem. And you feel weak when these negative feelings take hold.<\/p>\n How did this happen? Well, you had help. When you were young, you learned how a man behaves with, responds to, and deals with women. Your greatest teacher, for better or worse, was probably dad.<\/p>\n Whatever your circumstances, a young boy learns from his parents (or other adults) how to thrive or survive in relationships. Depending on the level of dysfunction in your family of origin, you may have had to develop some very interesting coping skills.<\/p>\n For example, if dad was a coward, and mom grew to be (in your eyes) an angry, controlling \u201cbitch\u201d, you know very well how to \u201cplease\u201d mommy so as to avoid her wrath. Or, dad may have left (divorced, died, abandoned, abused, etc.) the family when you were young, and mom bestowed upon you her resentment toward men.<\/p>\n What happens for these unfortunate boys is that they grow up to be self-hating men. These men unconsciously do not trust other men or themselves. For these guys, being who they are\u2014men\u2014is shameful. As a result, they relinquish all power to the women in their lives, without even being asked. This offering up of men\u2019s power is one of the main contributors to women feeling unsafe, insecure, and, ultimately, resentful and angry. (A fabulous topic for a future post.)<\/p>\n To relinquish power is to be other than the man you want to be in a given situation. You don\u2019t speak up. You avoid conflict in the face of intolerable circumstances. You lie to appease. You lie to yourself, attempting to believe that you are not disappointed or even disgusted with your own behavior.<\/p>\n Back to mom.<\/p>\n Though this will probably not come as news to you, you are a \u201cmama’s boy.” You don\u2019t like that diagnosis? You want a second opinion? OK. You never feel, honestly, as if you measure up as a real man. There\u2019s your second<\/em> opinion.<\/p>\n Your primary concern is in pleasing your mother, trying not to worry her, worrying about her and how she feels, trying to change your mother, annoying your wife with your concerns about your mom, arguing with your mom, letting your mom dictate family schedules, allowing her gift of guilt to guide your choices\u2026 must I go on? This is so painful. Let\u2019s get out of this problem and into the solution, shall we? Let\u2019s blow up this relationship and give you the opportunity to finally be the man, husband, and father you want to be, and that your family needs.<\/p>\n \u201cBlow up? That sounds so violent, Wayne, so unnecessarily macho. Couldn\u2019t you communicate this concept in a more professional, therapeutic way, a way that honors me, my mother and our relationship?\u201d Mmmmm, let me think\u2026NO! Grow up.<\/p>\n There\u2019s nothing to be honored about your current \u201cgood little boy\u201d relationship with your mother. It has run its course. You no longer have any need of it. It needs to be jettisoned, like a rocket booster that\u2019s out of fuel. It\u2019s killing you, killing your relationship with your woman, compromising your effectiveness as a father, and keeping you weak as a man in every part of your life. Got it? Let\u2019s blow this \u201cmuthah\u201d up, move on, and be the best man, husband, father, and son you can be!<\/p>\n Ultimately, you\u2019re going to create a whole new relationship with your mother. It\u2019ll be a mature relationship, on your terms. It\u2019ll be loving, attentive, helpful, considerate\u2014whatever you want it to be. But it won\u2019t be like the old relationship. And as difficult as it may be for you to imagine this change in your life, I can assure that I, and many men I\u2019ve coached, have made the transition and have lived, happily, to tell of it. Here\u2019s what you\u2019ll want to do:<\/p>\nDamn That Little Boy<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Weak vs. Powerful<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Mama\u2019s Boy<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Blowing Up Your Relationship<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Set Your Terms<\/strong><\/h3>\n