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The tough thing about communication technologies is that they typically become widespread and ubiquitous before society informally codifies a set of agreed-upon norms around their use.<\/span><\/p>\n Such is the case with texting. Even though it\u2019s been around for a couple decades now, folks still have varying opinions as to what texting behaviors are appropriate and polite. One area in which people have particularly divergent perspectives is how long it should take someone to respond to a text.<\/span><\/p>\n People generally fall into two camps here: The first responds to the texts they receive pretty promptly, and expects others to do the same. The second might not respond to a text for a day, or several, and doesn\u2019t mind if people respond to the texts they send out in a similarly leisurely fashion.<\/span><\/p>\n When an individual in the first camp is in regular correspondence with a member of the second, conflict can ensue. When the former doesn\u2019t receive a response from the latter in what they consider a timely manner, they can feel worried that they\u2019ve said something wrong, frustrated that they\u2019re not able to move forward on a decision pending an answer to a question, and even resentful or slighted, interpreting the lack of response to their message as a signal from its recipient that they, themselves, are unimportant. The slow responder, meanwhile, is probably completely unaware that they\u2019ve created a sense of angst in the other person.<\/span><\/p>\n Neither camp is \u201cwrong\u201d; remember, there\u2019s no agreed-upon norms that the second camp is violating, and that the first camp ought to be enforcing. Folks are just doing what feels normal for them in their brains.<\/span><\/p>\n But to avoid the tension and misunderstandings \u2014 what <\/span>digital communications expert Erica Dhawan<\/span><\/a> calls \u201ctiming anxiety\u201d \u2014 that can arise when members of these divergent camps text, asynchronously, past one another, it behooves both to try to meet each other halfway. <\/span><\/p>\n Here\u2019s how.<\/span><\/p>\n Make an effort to respond more promptly. <\/b>In <\/span>Digital Body Language<\/span><\/i><\/a>, Dhawan says that the general expectation around text messages is that they\u2019ll be answered within an hour. The data says that the average text message is responded to in 90 seconds, and according to one <\/span>study<\/span><\/a> which polled folks 18-65, taking more than 20 minutes to respond is considered rude. <\/span><\/p>\n These are just averages, of course. But if you\u2019re someone who typically takes hours to days to reply to people’s texts, know that you\u2019re likely ruffling at least some people\u2019s feathers.<\/span><\/p>\n You probably don\u2019t want friends and loved ones to feel frustrated or slighted, so do what you can to manage people\u2019s timing anxiety by being better about promptly responding to the texts you receive. Dhawan suggests this rule of thumb: \u201cIf you can answer in 60 seconds or less, respond immediately.” (This philosophy in fact works well for most anything; if there\u2019s an action item on something that you can take care of in less than a minute, <\/span>Do It Now<\/span><\/a>!)<\/span><\/p>\n Even if someone\u2019s message can\u2019t be responded to in 60 seconds, if it concerns an urgent question, or includes a vulnerable disclosure, do your best to respond as quickly as you can; no one likes to be left hanging in such circumstances. <\/span><\/p>\n Turn off the automatic read receipt function.<\/b> Messages sent between Apple phones have a \u201cread receipt\u201d function that shows people exactly when you read the text they sent. But this can create expectations that end up inflating someone\u2019s feelings of hurt or frustration. That is, because the sender knows you\u2019ve read their message, taking a long time to respond may irk them all the more. You may have quickly read their message at a red light, and aren\u2019t going to be able to respond until you complete the rest of a long drive home. Or you glanced at it during a meeting, and can\u2019t reply until it\u2019s over. But of course the other person is unaware of these circumstances and can be thinking: \u201cI know you saw my message! Why aren\u2019t you answering me!?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n To better manage response time expectations, make sure the \u201cread receipt\u201d function on your phone is turned off. You may think yours is, but it sometimes seems to mysteriously come back on, and folks don\u2019t know it\u2019s showing until a friend clues them in.<\/span><\/p>\n But give people your own read receipt.<\/b> If someone has sent you a message, and circumstances or the need to think about about their comment\/look more into their question, will prevent you from responding within a reasonable time frame (within the day for general messages; within several hours for more urgent ones), rather than waiting until you can give a full response to make any response, Dhawan recommends shooting them an initial short reply \u2014 a sort of personal \u201cread receipt\u201d that acknowledges you got their message: \u201cI\u2019m about to get on a plane, but I\u2019ll let you know tonight!\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s a really interesting question. Let me think about it a little more and I\u2019ll get back to you tomorrow.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m on it! I\u2019ll have something to show you Friday.\u201d What could be a recipe for resentment (\u201cWhy haven\u2019t they responded to me?!\u201d), becomes a flattering gesture (\u201cHow nice that they cared enough to think about my question.\u201d) If you need to, put a reminder on your calendar that you need to circle back to so-and-so\u2019s text. iPhones also give you the option of <\/span>pinning a chosen conversation to the top of your Messages app<\/span><\/a>, so it doesn\u2019t get pushed down and subsequently lost in your text inbox.<\/span><\/p>\n Assume good intent. <\/b>If you\u2019re in the camp that expects to have their texts responded to quickly, and gets ticked when people are slow to reply, try to be more patient, assume good intent, and give other people grace. Don’t take absent or delayed responses personally.<\/span><\/p>\n First off, countenance the fact that people can be\/get busy. Someone may simply have a lot going on, are feeling overwhelmed, and are having trouble keeping up with their communications. Their slow texting may also be a philosophical choice: perhaps they’re pushing back against the expectation of constant connectivity and don’t like the way continually responding to texts throughout the day fragments their attention; some people prefer to do their responses in batches at times they intentionally set aside for the purpose. <\/span><\/p>\n Second, sometimes people just forget to reply. Other people’s brains aren’t always wired like yours; while the \u201copen loop\u201d of your unresponded-to message keeps popping up in your brain, for other people, the fact that they\u2019ve neglected to respond has completely escaped their mind (just as other details of their life escape their minds in equal measure). Don\u2019t make assumptions (\u201cThey\u2019re a bad person\u201d), or spin stories (\u201cThey\u2019re mad at me\u201d), about why they haven’t responded. It\u2019s unlikely they\u2019re intentionally ignoring you; they don\u2019t even realize they\u2019ve forgotten to reply. In fact, they may have forgotten not because they don\u2019t think your message is important, but, ironically, because they do<\/i>. As a client of Dhawan said, “Sometimes I don’t answer because I don’t have time to give the response I think is deserved, so I put it off until later. Then I forget, and [the other person thinks] that I didn’t care enough to respond, when, in fact, I cared too much.”<\/span><\/p>\n Recognize too that this difference in how well you and someone else respectively remember to answer texts comes down to a difference in personality, not morality. While you might think your steely memory is a mark of superiority, there\u2019s a good chance it also comes with greater general neuroticism, while your forgetful friend tends to be more buoyant (and that easy-going-ness is likely a big reason you like them in the first place); <\/span>remember that when it comes to personalities, there are always two sides of the coin<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n Only follow up when you really need to.<\/b> Going along with the above point, only send a follow-up to an unanswered question if you urgently need a reply. As just mentioned, people may not have responded because they\u2019re busy. Even when someone likes you, sending a second text \u2014 \u201cCould you please let me know?!\u201d \u2014 will read as naggy. Give someone ample time to respond, and only follow up when you\u2019re up against a hard deadline in needing an answer. \u201cHey, sorry to bother you again, but have you made a decision about which room you want to hold the meeting in? I\u2019ve got to put in a reservation by noon today.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n If the person doesn\u2019t respond to your follow-up, it may be that rare occasion when they <\/span>are<\/span><\/i> intentionally ghosting you. Unless you have strong reason to doubt that\u2019s true, cease from trying to reach out. The ball\u2019s in their court now.<\/span><\/p>\n Consider switching to an old fashioned medium \u2014 an actual phone call.<\/b> A lot of folks in the Millennial-on-down generations have a near phobia of using a phone, as a phone. But if you\u2019ve got a friend or partner who isn\u2019t good about answering texts, consider dialing them up instead of texting, at least if you\u2019ve got an urgent question. They may actually appreciate the change in medium, and the timing anxiety between you will go down, while your healthy communication will go up.<\/span><\/p>\n If the slow and fast text responders of the world will each try to meet each other halfway in their different approaches to digital communication, there\u2019s a good chance a nice compromise in this disputed territory can be reached. Which is basically the way all shared norms end up getting codified into the annals of etiquette. <\/span><\/p>\n For more tips on how to improve your “digital body language,” listen to our interview with Erica Dhawan: <\/em><\/p>\nIf It Takes You Awhile to Respond to People\u2019s Texts:<\/h3>\n
If You Expect Your Texts to Be Responded to Quickly:<\/h3>\n