{"id":105161,"date":"2019-06-25T11:34:43","date_gmt":"2019-06-25T16:34:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/?p=105161"},"modified":"2021-09-25T14:38:53","modified_gmt":"2021-09-25T19:38:53","slug":"6-deficiencies-that-are-sabotaging-your-social-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/relationships\/social-skills\/6-deficiencies-that-are-sabotaging-your-social-life\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Deficiencies That Are Sabotaging Your Social Life"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2019\/06\/social.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-105171\" src=\"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2019\/06\/social.jpg\" alt=\"Group of people in social event at patio.\" width=\"650\" height=\"434\"\/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s often been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same things while expecting different results.<\/p>\n<p>If you apply this definition to people\u2019s social lives, there are a lot of folks out there who are certifiably nuts.<\/p>\n<p>They complain that they struggle to make friends, find a special someone, and get ahead at work, but they continue to approach the interpersonal interactions that could remedy these situations, in the very same ways that have stymied their success all along.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re not getting the results you want in your social life, it\u2019s beneficial to take a step back and try to figure out where you might be going wrong.<\/p>\n<p>Below is a diagnostic tool to help you with this process: listed are 6 social skill deficiencies that can be holding you back from better connecting with others, along with how to address these shortcomings, so that people start responding to you in a new, more positive way. &nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h3>1. Not being able to initiate small talk.<\/h3>\n<p>The very epicenter of social dysfunction begins with the inability to kickstart a conversation in the first place. You\u2019re seated at a table of strangers, or next to a classmate, or across from a cute girl on the bus, and though you want to open your mouth to say something . . . it seems positively wired shut.<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, there are several easy ways to unhinge your jaw, break the ice, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/social-skills\/how-to-make-small-talk\/\">initiate small talk<\/a>:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Ask a question.<\/strong> \u201cDo you recommend this dip?\u201d \u201cHow do you know the happy couple?\u201d \u201cWas there a quiz on Friday?\u201d Generate questions by observing things you and the other person share in common within the situation: the weather, the music, the food, something hanging on the wall.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Offer a compliment + a question.<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s a nice tie; where did you get it?\u201d \u201cI really enjoyed your comments about Plato; which of his works do you most recommend reading?\u201d By following a compliment with a question, you\u2019ll get something back from the other person beyond a simple \u201cThanks,\u201d or an awkward attempt at self-deprecation.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Simply introduce yourself.<\/strong> \u201cHi, I\u2019m Derek. Are you new here?\u201d People will be flattered by the attention, especially if they\u2019ve been standing shyly by themselves.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Don\u2019t work yourself into paralysis by feeling like you need something clever or meaningful to say. Simple mundanities are great. Such openers are akin to symbolic <em>rituals<\/em>, like shaking hands, which don\u2019t have much meaning on their own, but open up the possibility of greater things.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Not being able to keep a conversation going.<\/h3>\n<p>Even if you\u2019re able to initiate small talk with someone, another obstacle often presents itself: how to keep the emerging conversation going. After you\u2019ve asked someone where they\u2019re from, and what they do, your nascent exchange can run onto the shoals of awkward silence and sink before it\u2019s really gotten started.<\/p>\n<p>The key to preventing this social shipwreck is to follow the <em>close-ended<\/em> questions you initially ask, which can be answered with \u201cYes,\u201d \u201cNo,\u201d or just a word or two (e.g., \u201cAre you new?\u201d), with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/social-briefing-8-better-conversations-asking-open-ended-questions\/\">more <em>open-ended<\/em> questions that require slightly expanded answers<\/a>&nbsp;(\u201cWhat brought you here?\u201d). Open-ended questions typically begin with <em>What<\/em>, <em>How<\/em>, or <em>Why<\/em> (\u201cWhat was your favorite part of that experience?\u201d \u201cHow did that change effect you?\u201d \u201cWhy did you decide to go with that option?\u201d).<\/p>\n<p>Each answer someone gives you provides more \u201csurface area\u201d that you can direct a question to and ask them to expand on further; as each revelation on their part elicits another follow-up question on yours, you can practically keep a line of dialogue going indefinitely. But while people will thoroughly enjoy talking about themselves, slip a little in about yourself from time to time too; you don\u2019t want your questioning to feel like an interrogation, and people won\u2019t feel as connected to you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/social-briefing-10-much-disclose-someone-new\/\">if you don\u2019t reveal anything about yourself<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Whether you\u2019re talking with new people or old friends, once certain topical threads have been exhausted, you can think of new ones to surface using the acronym FORM:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Family.<\/strong> \u201cWhat are your siblings like?\u201d \u201cWhat have your folks been up to?\u201d<\/li>\n<li><strong>Occupation.<\/strong> \u201cHow did you get into this line of work?\u201d \u201cHow\u2019s business been lately?\u201d<\/li>\n<li><strong>Recreation. \u201c<\/strong>Other than work, what keeps you busy?\u201d \u201cAre you planning any trips this summer?\u201d<\/li>\n<li><strong>Motivation.<\/strong> \u201cDo you feel like you want to stay in his line of work forever?\u201d \u201cWhat prompted you to sell your house?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3>3. Not bothering to think of conversation questions beforehand.<\/h3>\n<p>In our culture which celebrates \u201cauthenticity\u201d and spontaneity, you may figure you\u2019ll just generate questions on the fly, right in the midst of your interactions. And hopefully you will.<\/p>\n<p>But any real art, whether of painting or conversation, involves skill, and some forethought.<\/p>\n<p>Whether you\u2019re about to meet a new person or an old friend, it\u2019s valuable to think about some questions you\u2019d like to ask them <em>before<\/em> you get together. It\u2019ll only take a few minutes and you can do it as you drive to meet them.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re going on a first date, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/how-to-ask-better-questions-on-a-first-date\/\">mentally review some good questions to ask<\/a> &#8212; ones that will keep the conversation flowing and help you get to know them better.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re going to hang out with a friend you haven\u2019t seen in a while, think about the things they told you last time that you can ask for updates on: \u201cHow did the product launch go?\u201d \u201cHow\u2019s your mother\u2019s health been doing lately?\u201d \u201cDid things get resolved with the AWOL contractor?\u201d Think about what you\u2019ve seen on their social media feed that you could ask for more details about: They posted pics of a recent vacation \u2014 \u201cWhat were the high and low points of the trip?\u201d You saw a pic of them at the finish line of a marathon \u2014 \u201cHow did you feel during the race itself?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>While an adept conversationalist will be able to generate good questions spontaneously, according to how a discussion unfolds, they also have several prepared questions in their back pocket, ready to surface when things start to lag.<\/p>\n<h3>4. Not demonstrating positive body language.<\/h3>\n<p>Nonverbal cues have <strong>4X<\/strong> more impact on the impression you make than what comes out of your mouth. So even if you\u2019re saying all the right things, if your body language doesn\u2019t support your words, you could be contradicting and canceling out their effect.<\/p>\n<p>Body language can either convey that you\u2019re threatening, hostile, aloof, self-contained, and anxious, or, that you\u2019re honest, trustworthy, warm, welcoming, safe, secure, and approachable.<\/p>\n<p>Conveying the latter effect largely comes down to positioning yourself in two ways, which, in primitive times, would have been associated with threat\/safety, and still viscerally read that way today. First, you reveal the parts of your body that would be vulnerable to attack, largely the heart and neck. Second, you communicate that the parts of the body that could pose a threat or conceal a weapon, like closed fists or hidden hands, hold no harm. Adopting a physical posture that utilizes these two ideas instinctually communicates that you are both accessible and unafraid, open and confident.<\/p>\n<p>You can accomplish this effect and correct your bad body language in the following ways:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Instead of crossing your arms or holding a drink up to your chest \u2014 let your arms hang naturally by your sides<\/li>\n<li>Instead of sitting or standing at an angle to someone \u2014 face the person you\u2019re conversing with directly, so you can have a literal \u201cheart-to-heart\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Instead of sitting with a metaphorical shield (bag\/laptop) between you and the other person \u2014 make sure there are no obstructions between you<\/li>\n<li>Instead of sticking your hands in your pockets or holding them behind your back \u2014 gesture naturally with them, using open palms<\/li>\n<li>Instead of sitting with your legs\/ankles crossed and\/or your feet together \u2014 sit\/stand with your feet spaced comfortably apart, well-balanced and planted<\/li>\n<li>Instead of leaning back when someone speaks \u2014 lean in, especially when they\u2019re discussing something important\/personal<\/li>\n<li>Instead of frowning, scowling, or offering a blank look \u2014 smile warmly<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3>5. Not making healthy eye contact.<\/h3>\n<p>One of the most important parts of body language centers on the little sockets on your face in which your free-moving eyeballs gaze out into the world.<\/p>\n<p>People who make little <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/eye-contact\/\">eye contact<\/a> with other people are perceived as distant, dishonest, and insecure.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>In contrast, numerous studies have shown that people who make higher levels of eye contact with others are perceived as possessing a load of desirable traits, including attractiveness, warmth, honesty, sincerity, competency, confidence, and emotional stability. And not only does increased eye contact make you seem more appealing in pretty much every way to those you interact with, it also improves the quality of that interaction. Eye contact imparts a sense of intimacy to your exchanges, and leaves the receiver of your gaze feeling more positive about your interaction and also more connected to you.<\/p>\n<p>You want to keep eye contact with the person you\u2019re talking to about 70% of the time. That means you\u2019re not locking eyes with them at every moment of the interaction, which would come off as creepy staring. Instead, every 5 seconds or so, about the length of a sentence, you look horizontally away from the person, before returning your gaze to theirs.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s physically impossible for each of your eyes to look into both of someone else\u2019s eyes at the same time. Rather, you\u2019ll focus both of your eyes on one of their eyes for a time, before periodically switching to the other.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/people\/social-skills\/look-em-in-the-eye-part-ii-how-to-make-eye-contact-the-right-way-in-life-business-and-love\/\">Giving good eye contact<\/a> is one of the easiest social skills to practice, as doing it wrong or incompletely won\u2019t result in immediate negative feedback (the interaction just won\u2019t go as well as it could have). Start making eye contact with people you\u2019re already most comfortable with, like your family, move on to friends, and then try it on people you\u2019ve just met.<\/p>\n<h3>6. Not thinking about how the other person feels.<\/h3>\n<p>Ironically enough, one of the biggest saboteurs of how you socialize, is thinking too much about how you socialize.<\/p>\n<p>When you think too much about how you\u2019re doing while you\u2019re talking with someone else &#8212; <em>Am I coming off well? Does she like me<\/em>? &#8212; you become self-conscious, and start to act awkwardly.<\/p>\n<p>At the same time, even if you think you\u2019re doing great, and feel like you\u2019re having a good time, <em>that doesn\u2019t mean the other person is also having a good time<\/em>. You can walk away from a conversation feeling happy, because you got to talk a lot, while the other person, who hardly talked at all, walks away feeling little uplift or connection to you at all.<\/p>\n<p>Rather than thinking primarily of yourself during an interaction, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.artofmanliness.com\/articles\/social-briefing-3-4-social-mindsets-3-derail-1-leads-success\/\">it\u2019s best to think more of the other person<\/a> &#8212; how is he or she feeling? Imagine yourself as the \u201chost\u201d in every situation, no matter where you are and who you\u2019re meeting with; how can you make your \u201cguest\u201d feel more \u201cat home\u201d &#8212; more comfortable, unburdened, recognized, and understood?<\/p>\n<p>When you approach every interaction as a host, not only will the other person enjoy himself more, and will thus feel a greater affinity towards you &#8212; the provider of good times and warm feelings &#8212; you\u2019ll enjoy yourself more too. The less you think of yourself, and the more you think of others, the better you\u2019ll do at socializing, the more positive a response you\u2019ll get, and the better you\u2019ll feel about yourself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It\u2019s often been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same things while expecting different results. If you apply this definition to people\u2019s social lives, there are a lot of folks out there who are certifiably nuts. They complain that they struggle to make friends, find a special someone, and get ahead at [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":105171,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,42285,42293],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-105161","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-relationships","category-social-skills"],"featured_image_urls":{"large":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2019\/06\/social-538x280.jpg","aom":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2019\/06\/social-372x230.jpg","reactor-320":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2019\/06\/social-320x211.jpg","reactor-640":"https:\/\/content.artofmanliness.com\/uploads\/2019\/06\/social-640x422.jpg"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/105161","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=105161"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/105161\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":140033,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/105161\/revisions\/140033"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/105171"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=105161"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=105161"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=105161"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beta.artofmanliness.com\/app-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=105161"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}